2022 SICHL Awards Show -- AI Edition

You all know and love the FA Bot, but technology's come a long way. Let's see what ChatGPT can do when it's given the keys to the SICHL Awards Show.
by Eric Schneider | December 15, 2022, 1:29 AM ET

What follows is a lightly edited, multi-hour conversation with a robot.  Human prompts are italicized, the rest is Skynet.

 

I'm in a fantasy hockey league called the SICHL, which stands for the Supreme Intercontinental Hockey League. This year, I have to write the script for an award show. Write the opening monologue in the style of comedian Will Arnett, being really smug and smarmy.  Do it in a narrative style with lots of embellishment.

 

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to the SICHL award show, where the best and brightest of the Supreme Intercontinental Hockey League are celebrated and recognized for their outstanding achievements on the ice this season.

I'm your host, Will Arnett, and let me tell you, I am feeling particularly smug and smarmy this evening. Because let's be honest, as the reigning champion of my own fantasy hockey league, I know a thing or two about ice-skating superiority.

But enough about me, let's talk about the real stars of the show: the players. These guys have been putting in long hours on the ice, using their incredible strength, speed, and skill to score goals, make assists, and rack up the points. And tonight, we're going to recognize their hard work and dedication.

Now, I know some of you might be thinking, "Will, why do these guys deserve an award? They already make millions of dollars just for playing a game." And to that, I say: you're right. They do make a lot of money. But let's not forget the sacrifices they make to be at the top of their game. The grueling training, the strict diets, the endless hours of practice. It's not easy being a professional athlete, and these guys deserve every penny they earn.

So let's give it up for the SICHL players, and let the award show begin!

 

Fantastic.  Let's continue with the theme.  The first award of the night is a boring one -- the Global Hockey Association Championship, or "GHA," which is the minor league for the SICHL. The final was between the minor league teams: the Central Oregon Cowboys and Jasper Avalanche, with the Avalanche winning. That's Ian Constable of the Banff Rockies's farm team.  Make it funny, like if Will Arnett was also advertising Reese's Peanut Butter Cups at the same time he was presenting the award, and crack a joke about Ian not being able to win anything of importance.

 

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it's time for our first award of the evening: the Global Hockey Association Championship, or the GHA. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Will, this is the minor league. Why are we wasting our time with this?" And to that, I say: because every championship is worth celebrating, no matter what level it's at.

Now, the GHA final was between the Central Oregon Cowboys and the Jasper Avalanche, and in a hard-fought battle, the Avalanche came out on top. And the winner of the GHA Championship is...Ian Constable of the Banff Rockies farm team!

Now, Ian, I know you're probably used to being a big fish in a small pond, but let me tell you: the SICHL is a whole different ballgame. You might have won the GHA Championship, but let's be real: you're not going to win anything of importance in the SICHL. Sorry, buddy.

But hey, at least you've got your GHA Championship to hold on to. And speaking of holding on to things, have you ever tried holding on to a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup? It's pretty much impossible. That's why they have the perfect shape for popping into your mouth and enjoying the delicious combination of chocolate and peanut butter. So congrats on the GHA Championship, Ian, and don't forget to grab a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup on your way offstage. Trust me, it's the perfect way to celebrate.

 

Good stuff, keep it up.  The next award is for the player with the most penalty minutes, the Dave Schultz Award. It was won by Brady Tkachuk of the Seattle Grunge, with 145 PIMs. Runners-up were Tom Wilson with 121 and a three-way tie between Matt Irwin, Jeremy Lauzon, and Justin Faulk with 118 apiece. This time, work in an ad for Diet Coke. And again, this is in the style of Will Arnett, so make it funny and stupid.

 

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it's time for the next award of the night: the Dave Schultz Award, which goes to the player with the most penalty minutes. And this year's winner is...drumroll please...Brady Tkachuk of the Seattle Grunge, with a whopping 145 penalty minutes!

Now, Brady, I know you're probably feeling pretty proud of yourself right now, but let me tell you: being the most penalized player in the league is not something to brag about. In fact, it's something to be ashamed of. But hey, at least you're not alone. The runners-up in this category are Tom Wilson with 121 penalty minutes, and a three-way tie between Matt Irwin, Jeremy Lauzon, and Justin Faulk with 118 penalty minutes each.

So congrats, Brady, on being the undisputed king of the penalty box. But let me give you a piece of advice: maybe try to stay out of the box a little more next season. And while you're at it, maybe switch to a Diet Coke. Trust me, it will help you stay focused and out of the penalty box. And remember, with Diet Coke, you can have it all: the satisfying refreshment of Coke, without all the calories. So congrats on the Dave Schultz Award, Brady, and remember: stay focused, stay out of the box, and stay refreshed with Diet Coke.

 

Nice.  Stop saying "ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls" every time though.  Pick a different lead-in.  Next award is the Raymond Bourque Award to the player with the best plus/minus for the regular season. Bo Horvat of the Edmonton Supersonics was a +52, Leon Draisaital was +49, Logan Couture +45. The ad will be for FedEx.  Talk about how meaningless plus/minus is as a statistic, and ask when Commissioner MacRae's going to invest in some 21st century awards.

 

Welcome back to the SICHL award show, folks. It's time for our next award of the night: the Raymond Bourque Award, which goes to the player with the best plus/minus for the regular season. And this year's winner is...Bo Horvat of the Edmonton Supersonics, with a plus/minus of +52!

Now, Bo, I know you're probably feeling pretty proud of yourself right now, but let me tell you: the plus/minus stat is a pretty meaningless statistic. I mean, sure, it's nice to be on the ice for more goals for your team than against, but it doesn't really tell us much about your overall contribution to the team.

And that's not the only issue with this award. When is Commissioner MacRae going to invest in some 21st century awards? I mean, plus/minus? Come on, Commissioner. We're living in the age of advanced stats, and we're still using plus/minus to judge players? It's time to step up your game, Commissioner.

But hey, congrats to Bo on the Raymond Bourque Award. And speaking of stepping up your game, have you ever thought about using FedEx for your shipping needs? With FedEx, you can trust that your packages will be delivered on time and in one piece, no matter where they're going. So congrats on the Raymond Bourque Award, Bo, and remember: when it comes to shipping, trust FedEx to get the job done.

 

Atta bot. Let's keep it going. The Mario Lemieux Award for the player with the most assists in the regular season: Cale Makar with 67, Brent Burns with 62, and Adam Fox and Leon Draisaitl tied at 59. Make Will Arnett tell bad joke about Mario Lemieux -- he used to be the captain and then the coach of the Nova Scotia Schooners but they fired him before winning their Cups. And work it into an ad for Freedom Mobile.  Also, Will Arnett needs to remind the audience constantly that his name is Will Arnett.  Make him more smug and self-important.

 

Welcome back to the SICHL award show, where the best and brightest of the Supreme Intercontinental Hockey League are celebrated and recognized for their outstanding achievements on the ice this season. I'm your host, the one and only Will Arnett, and let me tell you, I am feeling particularly smug and self-important this evening. Because let's be real, as the reigning champion of my own fantasy hockey league, I know a thing or two about hockey superiority.

Now, it's time for our next award of the night: the Mario Lemieux Award, which goes to the player with the most assists in the regular season. And this year's winner is...Cale Makar with 67 assists!

Now, Cale, I know you're probably feeling pretty proud of yourself right now, but let me tell you: Mario Lemieux was a true legend of the game. He was the captain and then the coach of the Nova Scotia Schooners, and they fired him before they won all their Cups. Talk about a burn, am I right? But hey, at least you've got your award to hold on to.

And speaking of holding on to things, have you ever tried holding on to a solid signal with your mobile provider? It's pretty much impossible. That's why you need Freedom Mobile. With Freedom Mobile, you can enjoy crystal clear call quality and fast, reliable data speeds, no matter where you are. So congrats on the Mario Lemieux Award, Cale, and remember: when it comes to mobile providers, trust Freedom Mobile to keep you connected. And remember, my name is Will Arnett, and I'm the host of the SICHL award show. Just in case you forgot. Because how could you forget a name like Will Arnett?

 

Good stuff, good stuff. You're getting a little repetitive though -- tell us a joke about how easy it is to make trades in your fantasy league. Next award is the Mike Bossy Award for most goals. Bo Horvat won this as well (that's his second trophy of the night), with 50; Kevin Fiala had 47, Brad Marchand and Sebastian Aho had 46. This ad should be for the eCommerce site commercetools.

 

Welcome back to the SICHL award show, folks. I'm your host, Will Arnett, and let me tell you, I am feeling particularly smug and smarmy this evening. Because let's be real, as the reigning champion of my own fantasy hockey league, I know a thing or two about hockey superiority. And let me tell you, making trades in my fantasy league is a breeze. It's like, "Hey, do you want this player? Yeah, sure, why not? Done." It's so easy, it's almost like we're using an eCommerce site to manage our trades. But I digress.

It's time for our next award of the night: the Mike Bossy Award, which goes to the player with the most goals in the regular season. And this year's winner is...Bo Horvat of the Edmonton Supersonics, with 50 goals!

Now, Bo, I know you're probably feeling pretty proud of yourself right now, but let me tell you: scoring 50 goals in a season is no small feat. It takes skill, determination, and a whole lot of hard work. And speaking of hard work, have you ever tried running an eCommerce business? It's not easy. But with commercetools, it can be. commercetools is a powerful eCommerce platform that makes it easy to manage your online store, from inventory to checkout. So congrats on the Mike Bossy Award, Bo, and remember: when it comes to eCommerce, trust commercetools to get the job done.

 

Okay, stop talking about Arnett's fantasy league, and stop saying how smug and smarmy he is.  We're getting into the big awards, as voted on by the SICHL Writer's Association. First is the Teemu Selanne Trophy for Rookie of the Year. The nominees were Joel Farabee, Mario Ferraro, and Ilya Sorokiin. With 75 votes, Sorokiin wins. It's funny he won, because he plays for Matt's team, the Vancouver Island Norsemen, and Matt acquired him in a trade with his dad, Tom. Will should make a joke about that, and do an ad for the Aeroplan cards.

 

Welcome back to the SICHL award show, folks. I'm your host, Will Arnett, and it's time for our next award of the night: the Teemu Selanne Trophy, which goes to the Rookie of the Year. And the nominees for this prestigious award are Joel Farabee, Mario Ferraro, and Ilya Sorokiin. And the winner is...Ilya Sorokiin, with 75 votes!

Now, Ilya, I know you're probably feeling pretty proud of yourself right now, but let me tell you: this award is not just about your individual performance on the ice. It's also about the team that helped you get here. And in your case, that team is the Vancouver Island Norsemen, owned by Matt, who acquired you in a trade with his dad, Tom. Talk about a family affair!

But hey, congrats on the Teemu Selanne Trophy, Ilya. And speaking of family affairs, have you ever thought about getting an Aeroplan card? With Aeroplan, you can earn miles on all your purchases, and redeem them for flights, hotels, car rentals, and more. So congrats on the Teemu Selanne Trophy, Ilya, and remember: when it comes to rewards programs, trust Aeroplan to keep your family traveling in style.

 

Alright, this whole "I know you're probably feeling pretty proud" format's getting stale.  Let's mix it up -- Will Arnett calls a guest presenter on to the stage: St. Louis Spartans superfan Jon Hamm.  Have Hamm insult Arnett, and then do an ad for Mercedes.  Arnett should be upset about that because he's a GMC man.  They can co-present the the Ken Dryden Trophy, for the best goalie. Super tight vote -- Marc-Andre Fleury won with 95, Andrei Vasilevskiy had 92, and Semyon Varlamov was a distant third with 32. Hamm and Arnett can both make fun of Vasilevskiy for coming in second, because these awards are all he has in life.

 

Welcome back to the SICHL award show, folks. I'm your host, Will Arnett, and I'm excited to introduce a special guest presenter for our next award: none other than St. Louis Spartans superfan Jon Hamm! Jon, thanks for joining us tonight.

Jon: Thanks for having me, Will. It's an honor to be here.

Will: The pleasure is all mine, Jon. And let me tell you, I'm a huge fan of your work.

Jon: Oh, really? Well, I'm a huge fan of Mercedes. I hear you're a fan of them too, Will.

Will: Actually, Jon, I'm more of a GMC guy.

Jon: Oh, really? Well, I guess that makes sense, since GMC makes trucks, and Mercedes makes...luxury vehicles. But hey, to each their own.

Will: Yeah, I guess you're right. But enough about our personal preferences, let's talk about the award at hand: the Ken Dryden Trophy, which goes to the best goalie in the league. And this year's winner is...Marc-Andre Fleury, with 95 votes!

Jon: Congrats, Marc-Andre! You've had a fantastic season, and you truly deserve this award.

Will: Yeah, congrats, Marc-Andre. And let's not forget the runners-up in this category: Andrei Vasilevskiy with 92 votes, and Semyon Varlamov with 32 votes.

Jon: Yeah, congrats to Andrei and Semyon too. But let's be real: Andrei, coming in second is all you have in life.

Will: Ouch, Jon. That was a little harsh. But hey, congrats to all the winners tonight, and remember: when it comes to trucks, trust GMC to get the job done.

Jon: And when it comes to luxury vehicles, trust Mercedes to get you where you need to go in style..

Will: Thanks, Jon. And thanks to all of you for tuning in to the SICHL award show. We'll be back with more awards and more special guests, right after this.

 

Okay, next award.  Will Arnett thanks Jon Hamm for being on stage and reminds him that only GMC is "professional grade," not like his Mercedes.  The Bobby Orr Trophy for the league's top defenceman. Cale Makar took it with 93, Brent Burns had 83, and Aaron Ekblad had 46 votes. Another two-horse race, like the Dryden. Let's get creative though -- instead of the regular award show, do it as Will Arnett, in the future, hosting an award show in an intergalactic senate. Make a funny space joke, and advertise GMC's space-truck of the future.

 

Welcome back to the SICHL award show, folks. I'm your host, Will Arnett, and I just want to take a moment to thank our special guest presenter, Jon Hamm, for joining us on stage. Jon, it was great having you here, and remember: only GMC is "professional grade," not like your fancy Mercedes.

Now, it's time for our next award of the night: the Bobby Orr Trophy, which goes to the league's top defenceman. And the nominees for this prestigious award are Cale Makar, Brent Burns, and Aaron Ekblad. And the winner is...Cale Makar, with 93 votes!

Now, Cale, you've had an incredible season with the Edmonton Supersonics, and you truly deserve this award. But let's not forget the runners-up in this category: Brent Burns with 83 votes, and Aaron Ekblad with a measly 46 votes. I mean, come on, Aaron, did you even try?

But hey, congrats to all the winners tonight, and remember: the SICHL award show is just getting started.  And speaking of getting started, have you ever thought about the future? I'm not talking about next year, or even next decade. I'm talking about the far-flung future, where humanity has spread out across the galaxy. And in that future, there will be a need for reliable, rugged vehicles that can handle the challenges of intergalactic travel. That's where GMC comes in, with our line of space-trucks, designed to take you wherever you need to go, no matter how far from home you may be. So congrats on the Bobby Orr Trophy, Cale, and remember: when it comes to intergalactic transportation, trust GMC to get the job done.

 

That'll work.  Now, Will does an ad about the 2299 GMC Sierra Maigualida and how it helps him get his kids to space-hockey practice.  The next award is for the coveted Wayne Gretzky Trophy, for the most valuable player in the regular season.  It's between Bo Horvat, Sebastian Aho, and Marc-Andre Fleury, and was a runaway with Horvat of the Edmonton Supersonics taking it home.  Make fun of Edmonton for winning all the individual awards but losing in the 2nd round.

 

Greetings, fellow beings of the intergalactic senate! I am Will Arnett, and I am honored to be hosting the SICHL award show here in the future, amongst the stars.

Now, as a father of two young space-hockey players, I know the importance of having a reliable vehicle to get my kids to practice. That's why I trust the 2299 GMC Sierra Maigualida, the most advanced space-truck on the market. With its powerful engines, advanced navigation system, and tough, durable design, the Sierra Maigualida can handle whatever challenges the galaxy throws your way. So if you want to get your family where they need to go, trust the Sierra Maigualida to get the job done.

But enough about me and my space-truck, let's talk about the award at hand: the Wayne Gretzky Trophy, which goes to the most valuable player in the regular season. And the nominees for this prestigious award are Bo Horvat, Sebastian Aho, and Marc-Andre Fleury. And the winner is...Bo Horvat of the Edmonton Supersonics, with a runaway victory!

Now, Bo, you've had an incredible season, and you truly deserve this award. But let's be real: the Supersonics may have won all the individual awards tonight, but they were knocked out in the second round of the playoffs. So, congrats on the Wayne Gretzky Trophy, Bo, but remember: in the end, it's all about the team, not the individual.

 

Next space award is the President's Choice Award for the player with the most 3-star points throughout the season.  It was a tie between a pair of goalies, Marc-Andre Fleury of the St. Louis Spartans and Andrei Vasilevskiy of the Fredericton Express, but Fleury took it on a tie-breaker with the most 1st stars.  Jon Hamm should run out on the stage and steal the award from Arnett so he can present it to Fleury.  He can squeeze in another Mercedes ad for a future sedan while Arnett recovers.

 

Greetings, fellow beings of the intergalactic senate! I am Will Arnett, and I am honored to present the next award of the night: the President's Choice Award, which goes to the player with the most 3-star points throughout the season. And the nominees for this prestigious award are Marc-Andre Fleury of the St. Louis Spartans and Andrei Vasilevskiy of the Fredericton Express.

But wait, what's this? I'm being interrupted by...Jon Hamm! Jon, what are you doing here?

Jon: Hey, Will, I heard you were hosting this award show, and I couldn't resist the opportunity to come out and steal the spotlight.

Will: Oh, come on, Jon. This isn't about us, it's about the players.

Jon: You're right, Will. This is about the players. And the winner of the President's Choice Award is...Marc-Andre Fleury, with a tie-breaker victory over Andrei Vasilevskiy! Congrats, Marc-Andre!

Will: Hey, wait a minute, Jon. That's my award to present!

Jon: Sorry, Will, but I couldn't resist the opportunity to present this award to Marc-Andre. And while I'm up here, let me take a moment to remind everyone about the future of transportation: the Mercedes-Benz 2299 Sedan. With its sleek design, advanced technology, and unmatched performance, the 2299 Sedan is the ultimate luxury vehicle for the intergalactic traveler. So if you want to ride in style, trust Mercedes-Benz to get you where you need to go.

Will: Ugh, fine, Jon. You can have the President's Choice Award. But remember, folks: when it comes to space-trucks, trust GMC to get the job done.

Jon: And when it comes to luxury sedans, trust Mercedes-Benz to provide the ultimate riding experience.

Will: Alright, Jon, let's just get back to the awards. Congrats to Marc-Andre Fleury on his win, and stay tuned for more awards and more special guests, right after this.

 

Okay, enough with the space awards.  Back to the regular Oscars-style award show.  Have Arnett make an inappropriate joke before presenting the last regular season award: thhe Commissioner's Trophy, given to the team with the most points before the infinitely more important playoffs begin.  This year's was the Fredericton Express, with the award accepted by their GM, and Commissioner of the SICHL, Mark MacRae.  There should be nervous applause from the audience.  Arnett and MacRae should have a voice-off, each aspiring to outdo eachother with lower and lower voices.  Arnett eventually capitulates and MacRae leaves the stage triumphant.

 

Welcome back to the SICHL award show, folks. I'm your host, Will Arnett, and I'm excited to present the final award of the night before we move on to the infinitely more important playoffs. But first, let me tell you a little joke: why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? Because it was two-tired.

Okay, I know that wasn't my best material, but let's move on to the award at hand: the Commissioner's Trophy, given to the team with the most points in the regular season. And the winner of this prestigious award is...the Fredericton Express, with a whopping 112 points!

Let's bring out Mark to accept the award. Mark, congratulations on a fantastic season.

Mark: Thank you, Will. The Fredericton Express had an incredible season, and I'm proud to accept this award on behalf of the team and our fans.

Will: Definitely, Mark. The Express had an amazing season, and they deserved this award. But let's not forget who the real star of the show is: me. Will Arnett.

Mark: Oh, I'm sorry, Will. I didn't realize you were the star of the show.

Will: Of course I am, Mark. And I have a challenge for you. Let's see who has the lower voice. I bet I can go lower than you.

Mark: Oh, I don't know, Will. I have a pretty deep voice myself. But if you want to compete, I'm game.

Will: Alright, let's do this. On the count of three, we'll both drop our voices as low as we can go. Ready? One...two...three!

Will and Mark both drop their voices to a low, guttural growl. The audience laughs and claps as they compete to see who can go lower.

Will: Ha, Mark, I told you I could go lower than you.

Mark: Well, I don't know, Will. I thought I was pretty low there.

Will: Nah, Mark, you're no match for me. I'm the king of the low voices.

The audience continues to laugh and clap as Will and Mark continue to compete.

Will: Thank you, Mark, for a fun competition. And congratulations to the Fredericton Express on a fantastic season. We'll see you all next year for 

 

Let's squeeze in one more ad, this time for Bank of America.  The producers should try to shush Arnett, who tells them he can do any ad he wants.

 

Welcome back to the SICHL award show, folks. I'm your host, Will Arnett, and we have another exciting award to present. But before we get to that, I have an announcement to make.

As you may have noticed, I've been doing a few of my own advertisements throughout the show. And I've received some feedback from the show's producer, who thinks I should stop.

But I have to say, I completely disagree. I'm a professional, and I know what's best for the show. And I think these ads add a certain flair and panache that you don't see on other award shows.

So, with that being said, I'm going to continue doing my own advertisements. And I have a great one for you now: Bank of America.

At Bank of America, we're committed to helping you achieve your financial goals. Whether you're looking to save, invest, or borrow, we have the tools and resources to help you succeed.

So if you want to take control of your finances, visit Bank of America today. And now, let's get back to the awards.

 

Now that the regular season awards are done, let's get to the three awards from the 2022 playoffs.  First: the Jari Kurri Trophy, awarded to the most valuable player of the playoffs.  For only the third time in league history, the winner played for the runner-up team: Logan Couture of the Chicago Tigers.  Arnett works in an ad for Endy mattresses.

 

Welcome back to the SICHL award show, folks. I'm your host, Will Arnett, and it's time to present the final three awards of the night, all from the exciting 2022 playoffs. But first, let me tell you about a great company: Endy.

At Endy, we know that a good night's sleep is essential for both your physical and mental health. That's why we offer a range of high-quality mattresses and bedding products designed to help you get the sleep you need. So if you want to wake up feeling refreshed and ready to take on the day, trust Endy to help you get the rest you deserve.

Okay, let's move on to the first playoff award of the night: the Jari Kurri Trophy, awarded to the most valuable player of the playoffs. And the winner of this prestigious award is...Logan Couture of the Chicago Tigers!

This is only the third time in league history that a player from the runner-up team has won this trophy.  Let's bring out Logan to accept his award. Logan, congratulations on a fantastic playoff run.

 

Add in Schooners GM Eric Schneider throwing a hissyfit at Couture before Arnett shouts him down and threatens to throw him out of the awards.

 

Suddenly, the GM of the runner-up Nova Scotia Schooners, Eric Schneider, jumps up from his seat and starts yelling at Logan.

Eric: This is bullshit, Logan! You didn't deserve this award! You choked in the finals and cost us the championship!

Will: Hey, hey, calm down, Eric! This is a prestigious award show, not a schoolyard brawl. If you can't keep it together, we'll have to ask you to leave.

Eric: Fine, I'll leave. You can all kiss my ass!

Will: I think that's your cue to exit, Eric. Security, please escort Mr. Schneider out of the venue.

As Eric is escorted out, the audience erupts into applause and cheers. Will shakes his head and turns back to the stage.

Will: Well, that was a bit of a distraction, but let's move on to the next award.

 

The winner of the playoffs is awarded the Continental Cup.  The Nova Scotia Schooners won, and their GM Eric Schneider escapes from security to get the trophy.  This is the third Cup in a row and he is extremely rude and smug to everyone in attendance, gesturing obscenely and stealing drinks from the front row.  As he's about to take the microphone, Matt MacInnis, the GM of the Norsemen, interrupts him, steals the microphone, and does a Kanye West style rant about how the real winner is Henry Skey, who got the Gold trophy last year.

 

Welcome back to the SICHL award show, folks. I'm your host, Will Arnett, and it's time to present the final award of the night: the Continental Cup, awarded to the team that wins the playoffs. And this year's winner is...the Nova Scotia Schooners!

Let's bring out the GM of the Schooners, Eric Schneider, to accept the award. Eric, congratulations on an incredible season and a well-deserved championship.

Eric: Thank you, Will. This is an amazing feeling, and I couldn't be prouder of my team. We worked hard all season, and it's gratifying to see all of our efforts pay off.

Will: Definitely, Eric. The Schooners have been a dominant force in the SICHL, and this is your third consecutive Continental Cup. That's an impressive feat, and I'm sure your fans are thrilled.

Eric: Yeah, they are. And they should be, because we're the best team in the league. And anyone who thinks otherwise can kiss my ass!

Will: Okay, Eric, let's keep it classy here. This is a prestigious award show, not a comedy roast.

Suddenly, Eric starts gesturing obscenely and grabbing drinks from the front row. The audience starts to boo and heckle him, but he just laughs and continues his tirade.

Will: Eric, I think it's time for you to leave the stage. This behavior is unacceptable.

Just as security is about to escort Eric off the stage, Matt MacInnis, the GM of the  Vancouver Island Norsemen, runs up to the stage and snatches the microphone from Eric.

Matt: Hey, hey, hold on a second, Eric. You may have won the Continental Cup, but let's not forget about the real winner here: Henry Skey!

Eric: What the hell are you talking about, Matt? Henry didn't even make it to the playoffs.

Matt: Yeah, but he won the GoldTrophy last year, and that's the most prestigious award in the league. So I'mma let you finish, Eric, but Henry Skey is the real MVP of the SICHL.

Eric: Shut up, Matt. You're just jealous because your team didn't even make the playoffs.

Matt: Jealous? Hardly. I'm just pointing out the facts. Henry Skey is a legend, and he deserves more recognition than you and your lucky Continental Cup.

Will: Alright, alright, let's not turn this into a Kanye West/Taylor Swift situation. This is supposed to be a celebration of the Schooners' victory, not a competition between GMs.

The audience starts to laugh and applaud, and Will takes back the microphone from Matt.

Will: Thank you, Matt, for that...unique perspective. But let's not forget about the real stars of the show: the players. So congratulations to the Nova Scotia Schooners and their GM, Eric Schneider, on a well-deserved victory. And to everyone else, thank you for tuning in to the SICHL award show. We'll see you next year!

 

We forgot one last award, the most important of the night!  Henry Skey won the Smartitude Cup, correctly predicting 12 playoff series and even getting the number of games 4 times.  Henry should be shocked and humble, Eric should boo loudly, and Matt should scream girlishly with excitement.

 

Welcome back to the SICHL award show, folks. I'm your host, Will Arnett, and we have one more award to present before we end the night. This is the most prestigious award of the night: the Smartitude Cup, awarded to the person who correctly predicts the most playoff series and the number of games in those series. And this year's winner is...Henry Skey!

Let's bring out Henry to accept the award. Henry, congratulations on an incredible performance.

Henry: Thank you, Will. I'm honestly shocked and humbled to be receiving this award. I never expected to win, and I'm just grateful to have been able to correctly predict so many playoff series.

Will: Definitely, Henry. You showed incredible smartitude throughout the playoffs, and you deserve this award.

Eric Schneider, the GM of the Nova Scotia Schooners, starts to boo loudly from the audience.

Will: Eric, please, let's keep it civil. This is Henry's moment, not yours.

Matt MacInnis, the GM of the Vancouver Island Norsemen, runs up to Henry and screams girlishly with excitement.

Matt: Henry, you're a genius! I can't believe you won this award. You deserve all the recognition in the world.

Henry: Thank you, Matt. It's been an incredible season, and I'm just glad I was able to contribute to it in my own way.

Will: Well, congratulations to Henry Skey on a well-deserved victory. And to everyone else, thank you for tuning in to the SICHL award show. We'll see you next year!

 

Finish the award show with Will Arnett driving his GMC Sierra Denali up on stage, bragging about its features, and telling the SICHL show's producer to go screw himself

 

And now, it's time to end the show with a bang. I want everyone to clear a path, because I'm driving my GMC Sierra Denali up on stage. This thing has the best fuel capacity in the business, and I'm gonna show it off.

The audience starts to clap and cheer as Will drives his truck up onto the stage.

Will: And to the SICHL show's producer, I have one message for you: go screw yourself. You can't tell me what to do, and I'm gonna do things my way. So thank you, everyone, for tuning in to the SICHL award show. It's been a wild ride, and I hope you had as much fun watching as I did hosting. Until next year, folks!

 

That'll do, robot.  That'll do.

Comments

Log in to view or add comments.