GM's Offering Cash For Picks...For Real!

Will there be a fire sale of picks for cold hard cash at the live draft? How badly will this divide us?? How long will Norm's pro-cash for picks rant vid be???
by Matt Burch | April 1, 2022, 2:33 PM ET

Every GM is built different, so every team reaches success - or failure - in their own ways. Some general managers build their teams the traditional route: scouting, drafting, trading, etc. Others will go a meta-route and do some oddball deals: cash from the team's coffers for draft picks, conditional trades that rely on whether or not Phil Kessel sees his shadow, and various other backdoor shenanigans that rile up Don on Twitter.

All of this falls within the boundaries of our league. That is to say, what exists in the SICHL, is the currency of the SICHL.

GM's are an evolving species, however, and the "new school" is now the "old school".

Welcome to the "new new school", where SICHL cash for picks is obsolete, and now it's all about things that are tangible, though, in some cases, some that aren't.

We have confirmed reports of GM's taking advantage of the live draft event coming up in August, and bringing briefcases of gems, diamonds, or just sweet lettuce in exchange for whatever picks they can get on that momentous day.

One GM, on condition of anonymity - we'll call him Shmeric - says this, "someone will make out like a bandit," Shmeric continues, "I will be bringing my whole family to the event. Not because it's a 'vacation', but because I'm selling my house to try to get as many picks as possible".

Shmeric is not alone. Another anonymous GM has said they want "every pick in the top 10", and will be willing to "part with their '68 Jaguar and Tesla stocks if necessary", then added, "perhaps even my Mom's collection of rare runcibles".

Not off the table are stunts of the "Jackass" variety. Some less well off (in real life) GM's are willing to put their body's on the line. "I have things in mind," says yet another anonymous GM, "Maybe snort ghost pepper juice through a straw, play goalie in my jock strap while the boys take slapshots at me, you name it, I'll do it...for draft picks." Whether or not entertainment will net any GM any picks at all is anyone's guess. This reporter is not hopeful.

Clearly this event has GM's scrambling for every advantage, every possible angle just to gain that extra name that will sit on their team assets page for several years.

This reporter even found an encrypted note written on a Dairy Queen napkin. After deciphering the note by just eliminating all the superfluous "x's", the revealed message implies that some GM's may try to blackmail each other at the draft. Could GM's possibly be getting each other drunk the night before draft with ulterior motives? All signs point to yes!

Just know that, when a certain SICHL GM offers to buy you a meal at Tim Horton's or drinks at...Tim Horton's (I dunno I'm not Canadian), you might see a slight glint in their eye. That, my friend, might be the look of pure evil.

At the last minute, before hitting submit on this story, I received an email from a burner account that pledged to give out NFTs of various values to whoever gives them picks in the last half of the draft. I sent a reply, though I doubt I'll get one back, but it said simply this, "aren't draft picks, in a way, an NFT already?" Really makes you think.

In the end, folks, we can expect all sorts of madness and shenaniganery (it's a word) at the live draft, and know that the Commissioner will sit on his throne made of the dried tears of bannerless GM's (and busted sailboat parts), smiling at the chaos he has wrought in our lives.

 

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