Weeks 5 & 6 - 23 and Don (Don's a Victim!)

From the ashes of the "What do the GMs think of their own team" comes a Phoenix of laziness! Why let Henry have all the fun, when we can have a number of GMs with nothing better to do on a Saturday afternoon do the work for Henry? He's looking forward to banter, camaraderie, trash talk and the celebration of the GHA WEBSITE? Holy hell, I couldn't be more excited if we announced the next Summit would be on the moon. I already made that joke, but only Mark heard it so it's fair game. Let's go! (Don mentioned that Marks' nickname is the East Coast Buble, which I really like and is worth mentioning here).

1
Banff Rockies
Previous: 3 Trend: 2
Jeff says "Knowing Ian's team, an injured fella named Englund (Freddy?) wouldn't even make his GHA team." Hey, did I mention we have a GHA website? I have just explained that writing an entry before locking in the team placements is foolish - but we are not changing Ian. He is number 1, sorry Ian no takesies backsies, you should have thought about that before you made an unstoppable, rampaging juggernaut. He's playing Chicago today, so Ian thinks this could change real quick. Is Ian vs. Sheetal the Ned Flanders bowl? (nicest GM vs nicest GM?)
2
Havana Revolution
Previous: 5 Trend: 3
Jeff got not-so-rudely interrupted, but he knows that when Don makes an entrance, you have to give way. He's got Lindholm back, so he doesn't even need to set his lines. He's a tale of two teams, his defense and PK and Goals Against and Shots Against are terrific, sublime. Good, even. But he can't score, which makes total sense with a team that has Connor McDavid and Leon Draisaitl. Wouldn't it be nice if YOU had a team that couldn't score and was 2nd best in the league? Clearly the Champ is doing something right.
3
Philadelphia Fire Ants
Previous: 6 Trend: 3
The only minus player on the Fire Ants is a fella named Andy Andreoff which, as Eric said in the Discord Live Chat, "he's the new Gregg McKegg!" Andy is possibly a man so nice they named him twice? No, that's Newsradio. I'm so glad Jeff knew it was a Newsradio reference, that show rules. Anyway, Norm's goalies are playing out of their minds, but it's about time Norm found himself in a top 5 Power Rankings placement. But, as Rule of Acquisition 95 says, "Expand or die." That sounds more Klingon-y, but I'm sure Norm will be content either way, especially since he's in Vegas.
4
Edmonton Supersonics
Previous: 8 Trend: 4
Mark says Mike has spent the last month working on the GHA website, 25 years in the making and it is FANTASTIC! We love it, great work Mike. Gary says if Mike was on Discord, he would see all the props he's getting. Back to SICHL stuff, he is a top 5 team in the league WITHOUT Makar, he just got back. How insane is that? Well, the SIM is so finicky, that I bet the Supersonics won't be as good. That's my bold ass prediction. Gary also says Cale Makar kind of sounds like a salad, and I agree. Cale is great, Kale is nasty crap. Mike, last thing, I love how in the GHA standings it comes with the associated team name right below it. Bon!
5
Montréal Millionaires
Previous: 10 Trend: 5
So this is what is so great about me having complete dictator like (Jeff likes this) ownership of them, I can use names like Bobby Nardella and justify a team's rise in the rankings completely. I'm sure Kasim has won a lot of games lately (not against me, tee hee) but it doesn't matter because he's got a guy named Bobby Nardella, and that reminds me of the movie Monster Squad, where kids were discussing if the Wolfman has nards or not. And then the Wolfman gets blown up mid-air, how did they make this movie for kids? It's got concentration camp allusions and Dracula murders a bunch of cops. What does this have to do with anything SICHL related? It doesn't, I'm trying to entertain the lads and Kasim won't mind, we've known each other for 33 years.
6
Acadia Grizzly Bears
Previous: 13 Trend: 7
Guy is the greatest, no problems here!
7
Hamilton Steelhawks
Previous: 15 Trend: 8
Let's say something nice about the Steelhawks, like how they had the best goal differential in the last few weeks at plus 20, have only lost 1 game lately and are rising fast in the Canadian Conference. Chris also got a PS5 and game featuring the other league for Christmas, so that's neat! I don't know about his prospects though, I don't think this team has much of a future. Kidding! Kidding! Mark also reminded me that he has a current rookie dman Sanders? Sanderdaughter? Now Ian said one of his wingers is tearing up the league, but it's a guy whose name I can't even begin to spell, so we'll just say Travis K. Good trade for both teams there, methinks!
8
Fredericton Express
Previous: 2 Trend: 6
Mark isn't saying anything, he's probably making home made pizza. Oh never mind, he had his mic muted. The famous Henry he'd like to be is Henry Winkler (eyyyyy!) He went 1-3 in the super cool awesome World Conference, which Mark seems to think is embarrassing but we in the more cultured, dope ass Conference see it as a very expected run. Vasy is his 3rd best goalie, I'm not typing out his full name trying to spell things in front of a dozen of the smartest, most clever internet dwellers on the planet is giving me a stroke. As soon as his top goalie remembers his ratings, I'm sure the Express will be back to running over kidnapped ladies by mustachioed villains. Mark would probably play a mustachioed villain in a movie, no?
9
Hamburg Gladiators
Previous: 1 Trend: 8
This is my favorite part of the Rankings. I don't have to do any research at all, because it's my stupid bongo bonkers whizzpoo team. Lalala I love mangos and pizza.
10
Boston Colonials
Previous: 4 Trend: 6
Gary had a bit of a tumble, but he recently beat the shockingly powerful Fire Ants in a shootout today! Or yesterday? Whatever day it was. It was today! Gary is thankful to be anywhere near the top 10 and far away from the bottom 10. Because he's so pleasant, I'm tempted to bump him a few spots, but Mark won't let me.
11
St. Louis Spartans
Previous: 14 Trend: 3
Uhhh I can't really think about what to say about St. Louis, but they are ahead of London and Chicago only because he didn't go 5-5 in the last few weeks and as we all know, teams that go 5-5 are fence sitters and I can't abide by that. St. Louis takes a ton of shots, which is good because their goalies aren't amazing, but they are far from terrible much like every other stat I cherry picked. How come I'm in charge of this feature? Also, congrats to Kopitar for game number (Ian is looking it up for me, I gotta say live Power Rankings is pretty sweet, we are on pace to finish in about 2 hours which is about double the productivity). Anyway, Kopitar has hit 1300 SICHL points! That's amazing. Trade him to me, Sean!
12
London Monarchs
Previous: 7 Trend: 5
Michael's forward contingency has been injured, including NICHUSHKIN who will be back in 12 days. This is very interesting, I asked the lads in Discord if you have a guy coming back from injury, do you play him at 100 or bring him in earlier? Everybody had very interesting answers, but Jeff said "wait, goalies get injured?" Ian and Mark say it depends on the player. Also a player who is exhausted is more likely to get injured. Henry totally knew that, right? Right! Don apparently wants London moved to Hawaii, it might help with injuries. Now here's the thing, an expansion team in Hawaii would be neat, but I am vehemently against all expansion because I am NOT doing more than 30 teams for the Power Rankings. Ever. Also of note, Ovi is not having a great year (thanks Mark!) I don't mean Mark controls the Sim and is making Ovi have a bad year, he just reminded me.
13
Chicago Tigers
Previous: 9 Trend: 4
Boy, I feel sort of bad putting the Tigers 4 spots down, but when a team goes 5-5 it drives me nuts. What am I supposed to do with that? Unless every single team goes 5-5 that would be amazing, then I could just use the exact same placements. His defense is coming back healthy, he's had to rely on Jacob Ricin? Like the poison? Hang on I have to go check this out. Wait, not Ricin, Bryson, thank you Sheetal for the correction. I better enjoy Chicago not beating a ton of teams so far, because that's going to change especially if he plays the Express for the rest of the season. Right Mark? (Mark says too soon....)
14
Vancouver Vipers
Previous: 19 Trend: 5
I don't know how we got on the top of relegation, but it has taken over Bryce's Power Rankings spot. Although, he did retweet or agree with a tweet that Avatar was the most overrated movie which is wrong so I am dropping them 5 places? I'm not, I am going crazy never mind. So the Vipers went 5-1-4 which is a strange record, but hey when you only lose 1 in regulation in 10 games, you're going to be bumped on the Power Rankings. The only notable injury is Fabbri with a sports hernia, but he hasn't exactly been lighting the league up so I don't think Bryce will miss him all that much.
15
Seattle Grunge
Previous: 16 Trend: 1
No, it's not one of Krusty's funny location names, it's the Grunge! We had Seattle ranked very high on the pre season power rankings, but they haven't quite lied up to the potential just yet. Why not? Well, let's ask one of Henry's helpful helpers! Ian says actually he thinks Seattle should be number 1 on the Power Rankings, but it is not a special teams power rankings, so I can't honor that. Sorry Ian. The Grunge literally have the best Power Play in the league by a wide margin and the best combined special teams so I don't know why they're not doing better. Let's go to the injuries page! Nope, no real injuries, but Gary mentions Phil is giving up too many shots and his goalie isn't doing all that well. Despite the Otter having stellar SC, his stats don't match. Is it just a matter of time? Or is it time for the Grunge to concoct an emo song, lamenting their failures? Either way, we win! I hear McDonagh is available....I am positive that's not how you spell his name, but I'm confident one of my cool Discord buddies can look that up for me. Ian looked it up for me, I cannot BELIVE there is no U in his last name, that is ridiculous. Thanks Ian!
16
Ottawa Slammers
Previous: 17 Trend: 1
Karlsson is injured, which is a real bag of bugs. Pat had a stellar opening to the year but hasn't matched it in the last 2 rankings. He's very stingy defensively, but he's just not getting enough biscuits towards the basket! Only the Schooners take less shots per game. However, he does have Lekkerimaki coming. Gary says Lekkerimaki sounds like a Swedish pasta! Yum, I am getting hungry. Holy balls, Ian and Mark confirmed that I spelled Lekkerimaki's name correctly the first time. That is a miracle. Enjoy Pat, would you like to trade him to me for Slaf? Poor Slaf, he is doing better but still.
17
Portland Buckaroos
Previous: 18 Trend: 1
JD says beating the Schooners by a touchdown should count for nothing. Don't worry JD, it doesn't! Although it may be the biggest Buckaroos blowout ever (which sounds like the name of a BBQ party), JD says his team is pretty inconsistent. I would say they are consistent for being in the middle for every goddamn stat so I can't come up with something interesting to say. However, knowing Portland's history, they will go on an 11 game win streak before somehow forgetting how to play hockey again. Yeehaw!
18
Vancouver Island Norsemen
Previous: 12 Trend: 6
Matt is going to take one look at this and be like "HSkey, WTF?" But hear me out - he lost to the Schooners and wasn't around for Discord, so everybody said we should plunk him down 6 spots. And whomst am I to go against the crowd? There are a few players on Matt's team that I wasn't familiar with, but everybody on Discord knew them right away, I should really start paying attention more to ....(gestures vaguely) everything! Because Matt is a good guy, I asked the Discord group what nice things I could say about the Norsemen and was met with awkward, long silence. I'm not even kidding, I was worried Discord crashed. Don said he has great hair, Ryan says he'd like to know Matt's opinion on relegation and Gary says "what's his thoughts on the Gold Points system vs. relegation?" Hmm, you know maybe it's a good thing Matt isn't here for the Discord. Ian says, "why not both?" Mark reminded us that Matt picked up the bill when he visited Toronto, but Don mentions it was probably a write-off and he expensed it. I can't win with these lads, sorry Matt! Taran reminded me that there should be a Matthew Murray reference. Does his Twitter account still exist? Taran confirms, it does! Mark says Matthew Murray has TWO wins, which is two more than me. I am not a good goalie though, you should've seen me at the Fernwood Community Centre. Embarrassing.
19
Brno Barons
Previous: 11 Trend: 8
Brno is a bunch of meanies! Don mentioned they hurt Quinn Hughes and that is a shame. I will say, I saw Poor Things last night which has to be one of the weirdest things I've ever experienced and the Brno logo kind of reminds me of Mark Ruffalo's sleazy lawyer character, who is hilarious. So there's that. Mark reminded us that this is the third Quinn Hughes reference (4th if you count this one) and that just goes to show you that if you show up on the Discord, your players get mentioned. Hold the presses, we've discovered something interesting about Brno - their powerplay is bad. Legendarily so. I'm not kidding. Go look at it, you won't believe. I still don't. They have TWO power play goals in 25 games. Two. TWO. TWO!!! Wait a minute, we've uncovered something. Every single line is set at 1-2-2. Bob, we as a group recommend you change your lines a bit. You can do it, buddy! HOLD THE PHONE. Ok the Barons may have stopped the Rankings entirely, breaking news, I have been told that they have the BEST PK IN THE LEAGUE. THIS IS MORE MIND BLOWING THAN THE GHA WEBSITE. This is the most excited I've ever been doing a Power Rankings. I don't understand this, do they build a brick wall on the PK and then the wall can't be broken down when they're on the Power Play? That makes more sense. Man. This is wild. Thanks Discord team!
20
Toronto Rex
Previous: 23 Trend: 3
Toronto has been on a tear! Not too banged up, either. His team is doing better than Taran though - some years the almighty SIM likes you, some years they don't. They beat some good teams lately too, but with a new team it's all about building so that's the outlook. I agree! Gary is correct, Taran also has Connor Bedard who is very good at the game of ice hockey. Allegedly. He's also from North Van and my brother in law just bought a house there and let me tell you, that is a nice area where parents will obviously have no problems putting their children in expensive hockey programs.
21
Okanagan Sun Devils
Previous: 21 Trend: --
Oh boy, this was easily the most controversial placement in the entire rankings. How in the holy butthole (sorry, if any children are reading, look away a few sentences ago) does a team go 2-8 and not manage to move AT ALL? Well, there are a few reasons. Quinn Hughes is injured on the Huskies, Tinordi is back next game for the Sun Devils and he is the Sun Devil's 3rd best dman. He's been limping along AND he forgot to set his lineup AND he hosted Henry twice for holiday parties and general debauchery so there's that. We did split some beers too. Gary says he DID lose to the Schooners, but Ryan also says since Eric beat him, he beat Eric. You've done it Ryan! You're staying at 21. Legal drinking age everywhere. Unless it's like North Korea or something.
22
Regina Bisons
Previous: 25 Trend: 3
Regina is doing pretty well, especially considering they have the most injuries in the league. That's not necessarily a badge of honor, it reminds me of...(Henry queues up one of his favorite YouTube clips) Heavyweights! One of the greatest comedies ever. OH IAN! BRILLIANT! Regina is ALSO a heavyweight because he takes down the big boys, like Ian (the Rockies, you may remember them from such Power Rankings placements as number 1) and Me! That's pretty cool Ian said I'm a heavyweight. Gary asks if Bisons actually attack people, but Ian confirms they do and it looks like it would be painful. Beware of Regina!
23
Whitehorse Huskies
Previous: 20 Trend: 3
Don says "I'm finally doing badly in the GHA and NOW they make a GHA website. I'm a victim." Don may want to start a War on Drugs, but I know he Doesn't Want to Wait Anymore. It's odd seeing Whitehorse so low, you'd think he Doesn't Live Here Anymore. I will also mention Quinn Hughes is at 77 percent which is all the justification I need to put Don at 23. Plus it makes for a good Power Rankings title.
24
Jacksonville Gators
Previous: 24 Trend: --
Jacksonille went 3-7 and I know what you're thinking "Hey Henry, can you not be so loud on the Discord, my volume control only goes so low." No! I can't and can you believe I'm the 4th loudest member of the family at holiday gatherings? Alexandra, Dad, Uncle J are so far ahead of me you can't even see (or hear) me. I know. Aunt G and Mum, after some wine, are even louder than me. Hey Henry, this has nothing to do with the SICHL let's talk about the Gators. Ok, one more side note - Dusty bought some Alligator Bites for the Ottawa Summit so he gets a bump in the rankings. Normally I would say "Hey, don't blame me, I don't make the rules" but I totally do. However, I also admitted I am wildly corrupt and have a fear of disappointing live crowds, so the Gators are number 24.
25
Reykjavik Riders
Previous: 22 Trend: 3
Syl had no comment when I asked about the Riders, but he was trying to unmute! He's back! He's overperforming so far, but he also doesn't know why he's ahead of the Schooners, after all, Eric did defeat a few teams well ahead of him. The answer is Syl wasn't here when we were doing the team placements and now it is too late. It must be strange for Syl to be this far down, but we all know it won't be for long so don't get too comfortable. He's trying to beat Captain Hook at his own game (that's the Schooners captain, that's pretty good I am going to use that in future Rankings).
26
Calgary Mustangs
Previous: 29 Trend: 3
I will say this about Calgary, Young Matt is very good at wanting St. Louis Blues players from me and I'm going to keep them because my boy Scott Perunovich is apparently playing great! So I'm going to keep him. Apparently all that's needed for bad Gladiators players (like Simon Holmstrom or aforementioned SCOTTY P) is me threatening to trade them. Good stuff! Hey Henry, this is a Mustangs Rankings not a Hamburg one. Gary sort of sounded like Don, so I got them mixed up but I think that is a compliment to both of them. STOP THE PRESSES, TOM is here! We didn't even know Tom was on Discord and honestly the timing is terrific, we're just about at the Cougars! Calgary's PK is the worst in the league, and their goals for is also pretty bad, but as Mark says, that may bode well on their journey for gold points. Nice work, Young Matt! (Sorry other Matt, I was forced to call him Young Matt, normally I would never).
27
Las Vegas Aces
Previous: 27 Trend: --
What are the Aces up to? Dusty was recently at the Spengler cup! BREAKING NEWS! BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP HI-HO THERE, KERMIT THE FROG reporting live that the Aces have JUST JOINED DISCORD as we've been typing. WHAT??? So let me get this straight, we have a 2% power play, we have the GHA website AND we have Dustin joining Discord. I don't think I could take much more excitement otherwise I will have a heart attack. What else? Well, would it shock you to learn that Dustin has TWO draft picks in the upcoming draft? I know, I can't handle any more cool things, we have to wrap this up.
28
Stockholm Cougars
Previous: 28 Trend: --
God help us, Don is giving tech advice to help Tom un-mute himself. It's the end of the world. Mark says "up is down, down is up." Tom made a video appearance, much like he did at the Summit in Toronto, but has since exited. It was nice to see him, even for a few moments. I'm sure many GMs wish I would just be present and not say anything, but too bad! My mic is working just fine. Tom has a ton of draft picks (in fact...all of his draft picks for the next 5 years!) and I'm sure he's looking forward to using them. I just yelled at Chester that it's not dinner time and he needs to stop running in front of my monitor and jumping on my keyboard. I'm getting nervous about him accidentally closing the window. 2 hours of work down the drain? It's a good thing he's cute. This is also appropriate to mention my cat on a Cougars entry. So that fits, right?
29
Dublin Shamrocks
Previous: 26 Trend: 3
Plan is going as expected, says Ryan. He's making money and losing. Good business strategy all around. I agree, the Shamrocks are not a strong hockey team, but they are a hockey team. Ryan adds the GHA website is highlighting his minor league team's awesomeness. Sorry, I got side tracked by talking about epic jacked sax guy Tim Cappello singing "I STILL BELIEVE!" As one does.
30
Nova Scotia Schooners
Previous: 30 Trend: --
When sick, Eric sounds like Jeff which means his voice is more authoritative, championly and manly. With notes of fine tobacco and a smooth whiskey finish, says Mark. Eric is really gooning it up, with maximum physicality and he's even beaten Matt and Ryan. As you can see, both the Norsemen and Sun Devils were punished heavily for this. Well, not Ryan, but he is a smooth talker and managed to seduce me into not moving him from spot number 21. Hey, he did just host me twice in the last week so I have to give him some props for that. When is the draft lottery again?

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