Weeks 3 & 4 -- D&D Style!

Let me get this disclaimer in right off the hop -- what I know of Dungeons & Dragons, I learned through half-hearted attempts at games like "Heroes of Might & Magic," or from my one nerdy friend in elementary school who kept trying to rope me in for a live game.  Oh, and that excellent Chris Pine movie, that was fun.  I'm operating off wild, sweeping generalizations, gut instinct, and whatever seemed funny at the time.

Disclaimer number two: these rankings are my own.  Henry has objected, will object, and is probably objecting right now at the thought of his ranking this week.  To that, I say: I care not a whit.

Point number three: if you, like me, are not well versed in this world, please reference my channel on Discord.  Once this is published, I will post a handy primer on the races, classes, and alignment that are referenced below.  Feel free to log your complaints and revisions in the comments below.

I think that's everything.  Enjoy!

1
Hamburg Gladiators
Previous: 14 Trend: 13
Lawful Good Halfling Bard -- Second in the league, first in our hearts, Henry was undefeated through 9 games of late and leads the league in goal differential. And, as our resident Power Ranker/trade avoider/do-gooder/thespian/short boi, this was one of my easier selections.
2
Fredericton Express
Previous: 4 Trend: 2
True Neutral Human Bard -- What makes a man turn neutral? Lust for gold? Power? Or was he just born with a heart full of neutrality? Mark, ever our impartial overlord, posted the 4th-best record in the last two weeks to retain his place at the top of the league. Another easy choice.
3
Banff Rockies
Previous: 8 Trend: 5
Neutral Evil Elf Sorcerer -- I will quote myself, as I oft find myself doing of late: Ian is the wolfiest wolf that has ever wolfed... in sheep's clothing. How else could he be third in the league with an UNDERPERFORMING team, and still maintain that nice guy reputation?
4
Boston Colonials
Previous: 7 Trend: 3
Chaotic Good Dwarf Fighter -- I am shook seeing Gary this near the top of the league. Shook. He's tied for 4th with Havana (I'll get to Jeff in a sec), but had a slightly better couple of weeks. I never really know what Gary's going to do, but he seems to have clawed his way into relevance.
5
Havana Revolution
Previous: 3 Trend: 2
Neutral Good Dwarf Monk -- When the Champ has the best team in the buttery-soft World conference and finds himself tied for 4th in the league, you have to wonder what's going on. Has he lost his edge? Is he, perhaps, not RUTHLESS enough to stay at the top? The People's Champ is our resident Free Agency Bot, which earns him good karma, and I could easily picture him beheading orcs with the same zenlike precision with which he renovates his basement.
6
Philadelphia Fire Ants
Previous: 11 Trend: 5
Chaotic Evil Half-Orc Barbarian -- Lowball Norm's a bad seed, he's an agitator. He's cruel and uncompromising. He's also a Ferengi, but they don't have those in D&D so I went with the closest thing. Re-watch the Battle of Helm's Deep, you'll see Norm in among the extras. As Henry said though, calm your tits, Norm -- he had the 2nd-best record of the last two weeks.
7
London Monarchs
Previous: 21 Trend: 14
Chaotic Neutral Gnome Rogue -- YES, okay, it's low-hanging fruit but I went with another short boi gag. I apologize for nothing. Michael was THIS close to getting an Evil tag, in recognition for his supplication I mean support I mean, uh, whatever happened a couple years ago that we're not talking about. But he's not evil. He's just a happy little gnome, out there chasing cars.
8
Edmonton Supersonics
Previous: 12 Trend: 4
Lawful Good Dwarf Paladin -- Our esteemed Deputy is of impeccable moral character, easily befitting three of the four tags I've placed upon his magnificently shiny head. As for the Dwarf, well, they are renowned for their strength -- Mike is so powerful, I've seen him lift a hundred pounds right up over his head, without even knowing it. Like it was nothing! Case closed. And the Sonics had the 3rd-best record of the last two weeks, leading to their vault up the board.
9
Chicago Tigers
Previous: 9 Trend: --
Neutral Good Halfling Fighter -- In contrast to my first Halfing entry, this one simply reflects Sheetz's personality. He's a gregarious fellow, happy to share a drink and a laugh, and with the way he's whipped his Tigers into shape for yet another competitive season, well, he's clearly a fighter, too.
10
Montréal Millionaires
Previous: 5 Trend: 5
Neutral Good Elf Wizard -- Nailed it. Kasim is too rational to be chaotic, too philosophical to be lawful. He'd love to be evil but he doesn't have a bad bone in his body. He is wise and mystical, and could just as easily live atop a doorless tower in the woods instead of a duplex in Vancouver. By all rights, his house ought to smell like an intoxicating mix of exotic herbs and spices, but he and his wife are very neat so it only ever smells like that when they're cooking. Need I go on? Oh, and the Millionaires are really struggling, fix yo team Kaz come on!
11
Brno Barons
Previous: 13 Trend: 2
Neutral Good Human Paladin -- Bob seems like a solid guy and is on my list of GMs I thought I would've met by now. Paladin's are cool, and Bob's cool, so that's easy, and I don't know him well enough to risk offending him by picking a race he wouldn't like so human it is!
12
Vancouver Island Norsemen
Previous: 1 Trend: 11
Lawful Evil Half-Elf Ranger -- The first of two lawful evils (don't skip ahead), Matt retains that tag despite stepping afoul of the law with the Matt Murray incident because, and I want to be clear on this, he wasn't paying enough attention. That simple. He's the founder of the Gold Club, an exclusive three-member fraternity that I hope to join soon. His team tapered off a bit in the last two weeks, but they'll be back in the hunt soon.
13
Acadia Grizzly Bears
Previous: 16 Trend: 3
Lawful Neutral Dwarf Monk -- Shoutout to Troubled Monk Brewing, sponsors of The Pipeline Show! Guy's managed to shrug off his villainous reputation (you're welcome), and is a proper law-abiding dwarf. I mean citizen. His team's pretty good, too -- 9th-best record over the last couple weeks, trending in the right direction to be solidly in contention.
14
St. Louis Spartans
Previous: 6 Trend: 8
True Neutral Half-Elf Ranger -- I'd planned to reserve the True Neutral for Mark, but I just couldn't swing myself off it for Sean. He enjoys chaos, but follows the rules; he's got a mischievous streak, but doesn't actively try to piss off anyone. Half-Elf was easy though -- he remains the Benihana of the SICHL, charismatic and entertaining without breaking the bank. Plus his team's doing relatively well, so I say GOOD FOR YOU, Sean!
15
Hamilton Steelhawks
Previous: 24 Trend: 9
Chaotic Neutral Drow Rogue -- Chris will tell you he's a man with a plan, and I believe him. I also believe that plan has changed many, many times over the last few years. But, as I often quote Eisenhower, "plans are useless; planning is essential," so there may be some method to the madness. The Hawks are in the thick of it, but I know Chris would like to be solidly on either side of the playoff line rather than dancing around it.
16
Seattle Grunge
Previous: 19 Trend: 3
Lawful Neutral Human Ranger -- Phil's diligently followed a plan and built one helluva team. He's a multi-threat -- drafts well, trades shrewdly but has a good patter, doesn't make rash decisions... all in all, very composed. Aragorn-esque, you might say!
17
Ottawa Slammers
Previous: 2 Trend: 15
Chaotic Neutral Human Barbarian -- Pat may feel hard done-by being at 17, but the Slammers went 2-4-0 over the last two weeks and got heavily outscored along the way. Also, I should mention that I'm heavily biased in my assessment by the many stories, nay sagas, I've heard of Pat over the years. If ever there was a chaotic barbarian in our midst, it's Pat.
18
Portland Buckaroos
Previous: 10 Trend: 8
Chaotic Neutral Elf Druid -- The magic mystery van man himself, JD loves being out in nature and made the race/class easy for me. I don't have a good sense of his moral stance on league happenings, but he's been willing to throw a wrench out often enough to warrant the chaotic tag. The Buckaroos had a rough couple weeks, but are too good a team to stay down this far for long.
19
Vancouver Vipers
Previous: 25 Trend: 6
Chaotic Evil Tiefling Warlock -- Look no further than Bryce's 2021 draft for an explanation on the alignment. Add in the black jerseys, venomous logo, and pro-Provorov stance, and you get one conniving librarian. The team's been very meh, will have to pick it up if they want to make the playoffs.
20
Whitehorse Huskies
Previous: 22 Trend: 2
Chaotic Good Elf Wizard -- I mean... do I need to explain this one? Don could've wandered onto the Paramount lot and landed a part in a heartbeat. Too bad his Huskies aren't as convincing in their role -- they were supposed to be a top team, but guess what, their Goals Against is holding them back. I've seen this movie before.
21
Okanagan Sun Devils
Previous: 15 Trend: 6
Chaotic Neutral Tiefling Rogue -- Ryan dropped an absolute bomb on the league last year. Not sure what I'm talking about? Don't worry, he'll tell you soon enough. Shesterkin Fan Boy #1, reporting for duty. Tieflings are basically demons, so that's a freebie, and Ryan'll have to be quite the rogue to trick his way into the playoffs.
22
Reykjavik Riders
Previous: 28 Trend: 6
Chaotic Neutral Drow Sorcerer -- I really, really wish Sylvain had done something clearly evil, because this was nearly a perfect assignment for our resident deathcore metalhead. Syl, by all rights, should have tried to compete, should have kept Point/Forsberg/etc, and yet here we are, watching him rebuild because, presumably, he enjoys and is really good at drafting so, why not? Respect.
23
Toronto Rex
Previous: 26 Trend: 3
Neutral Evil Dragonborn Rogue -- Dinosaurs are basically dragons, right? So that's a freebie. As for the rest, well, that's entirely out of respect for pulling off a Gold Trophy win and landing Bedard. If that isn't the work of an evil rogue, I don't know what is. Also, the team's stayed pretty much where it was in the standings, boooooring.
24
Jacksonville Gators
Previous: 30 Trend: 6
Lawful Neutral Halfling Wizard -- I don't really know how, but Dusty managed to auction of multiple players last year at obscene values, despite it being his first season. He also appeared to break no rules in doing so, and was very respectful while prying the gold fillings out of everyone's teeth. He ought to be a rogue, but there was clearly a spell cast during the Shesterkin dealings, so cheerful, poetic wizard it is. The team is 2nd-worst in the standings but had a shockingly good couple weeks, hence the rankings jump.
25
Regina Bisons
Previous: 27 Trend: 2
Lawful Neutral Githyanki Cleric -- Geoff's had to overcome a reputational hit in that he's re-entered the league marked as Norm's friend. That's a stench that doesn't wash off too easily. Still, he's done nothing himself to warrant distrust, and his moves have been what I'd call "appropriately cagey." Make of that what you will, but that's my justification for the hodge-podge assessment.
26
Dublin Shamrocks
Previous: 18 Trend: 8
Chaotic Good Half-Elf Cleric -- Okay, stay with me here. We have a lot of what you might call "personalities" in this league, but of them I can most picture Ryan in a D&D movie. Pointy ears, robes, maybe a cool staff, happily bounding along the road causing good-natured mischief everywhere he goes. And isn't that just the perfect metaphor for the Shamrocks, who find themselves in 23rd after an abysmal (but entertaining) 3rd-worst record over the last two weeks.
27
Las Vegas Aces
Previous: 17 Trend: 10
Chaotic Neutral Half-Orc Barbarian -- Oh how the mighty have fallen. Dustin had the 2nd-worst record over the last couple weeks (ahead of yours truly). Captain Chaos may yet surprise us, but it may finally be time for that dreaded rebuild. Also, I'm 95% sure I've seen a picture of Dustin wearing a horned helmet, so this one's a slam dunk. Or empty-netter, whatever.
28
Stockholm Cougars
Previous: 23 Trend: 5
Lawful Neutral Gnome Druid -- Tom's on my list of "GMs I haven't met but probably should've by now," so I'm going to have to make some crazy generalizations. The tinkering that he's done with his team has seemed quite gnomeish, and he lives way the hell up island which reeks of druid to me. Bam. Also his team sucks, but that's part of the plan so, well done!
29
Calgary Mustangs
Previous: 29 Trend: --
Lawful Neutral Dragonborn Fighter -- I was so close to going True Neutral, as he's seemed to delight in the rule-bending of a few esteemed colleagues, but it occurred to me that he never actually sanctioned any of that behaviour. He's cleverly following his plan, as indicated by his presence down here at the bottom, and I have no doubt he'll work his way back into contention in due course.
30
Nova Scotia Schooners
Previous: 20 Trend: 10
Lawful Evil Githyanki Warlock -- "Lawful?" I can hear you screeching? "LAWFUL?" "Evil Eric, the biggest cheat in league history?" Re-read the relevant entry on my primer -- like a sleazy defence lawyer who exonerates criminals on technicalities, I have broken no rules in my pursuit of success. And if my pariah standing wasn't firmly entrenched enough, somehow I've managed to make you all even angrier by LOSING. Will you make up your minds?! Ahem. I don't really know what a Githyanki is, but they sound awesome and evil, so here we go.

Comments

Log in to view or add comments.