Weeks 19, 20, 21 - The SIM of Dibley
There's rumors that a new VICAR is coming to Dibley? Oh? What's wrong with Doug? Nothing's wrong with Doug. Are you sure? Why would a new Vicar be coming? Good point, let's go check on Doug.
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Oh, it seems we've bumped into Tom! Tom! Are the rumors true? Are you the new Vicar of Dibley? (Tom) Well, that's what I'm hearing, but it's all quite sudden, isn't it? I know I'm 9-0-2 and now am second overall in the league, but it definitely caught me by surprise. Do any of you know if Doug is alright? (many murmurs of mumbling, but no confirmations). (Tom) Right, we'd better go check on him. Let's go! (And thus, Tom led the small group of nosy, yet caring, townsfolk to go check on Doug).
Acadia Golden Bears
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Guy! Look everybody, there's Guy, tending to his sheep. I say Guy, Ol' Bucko there's as big as a bear! And his fleece looks as golden as ever! (Guy) Thanks lads! Where you off to? (Group) Well, we heard that Tom here is the new Vicar, and Doug's been replaced. (Guy) I didn't hear anything about that, and I hear everything about everything! I should know, I've been near the top nearly my entire life here in Dibley, and I'm outraged about this change! No offense, Tom (Tom) None Taken! (back to Guy) but this is hardly how we go about things here. I mean, it's been THREE WEEKS since the last rankings, what are we supposed to do?
Philadelphia Fire Ants
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(Norm) LADS! (Norm comes running over the hill...literally, not figuratively, despite his salt and pepper hair). Lads, what are you all doing? Forget it, I don't want to hear about it. Whatever you're doing, my thing is more important. We need Dustin to go call the Funeral Director, there's a dead body at the fair. And Matthew, if you could go and organize the Pig Show, also at the fair, that would be splendid.
Las Vegas Aces
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(Dustin) Oh my god. A dead body??? Why does a Pig Show matter if there's a dead body??? Who died? (Norm) We're not sure. Ellis Dorthywinkle mentioned she'd heard somebody talking about a dead body. They said it over and over, and that we all needed to discuss it and bring somebody around to deal with it. (Dustin) Norm, Ellis Dorthywinkle is 109 years old, are you sure we should be relying on the heresay of somebody who can barely hear straight?
Vancouver Island Norsemen
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(Matt) And I totally forgot about the Pig Show! I didn't have time to put my contact lenses in, but luckily I've got my old pair of glasses in my pocket. I'll go run off quickly and take care of that. (Norm yells in the background) Remember to....(Matt has run too quickly to pay attention to what Norm is saying). (Matt is on his way to the Pig Show when he runs into Doug).
Brandon Wheat Kings
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(Matt) Doug! Doug, oh my god, you're not dead! I mean, you're not the Vicar! I mean you ARE the Vicar, but apparently you've been replaced. (Doug) Oh, have I? Well I don't mind letting somebody else have a turn. I suppose that's just fine, but I didn't sign anything or hear anything about it. Maybe they think I'm dead? (Matt) Oh my...were you at the fair earlier? (Doug) I was! I had a delightful time, I watched the highland dancing for a bit, then took a nap. A very long one, actually, the only reason I woke up was because Ellis Dorthywinkle and her crew were chatting up a storm. (Matt)...OH MY GOD, Doug, everybody thinks you're dead! (Doug) WHAT???
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(Gary comes cycling down the lane, and screeches his bike to a halt). MATT! Did you hear about Doug? (Matt) What, him no longer being Vicar, or him not being dead? (Gary) I...wait, DOUG'S NOT VICAR ANYMORE?? WAIT, I MEAN DOUG'S DEAD??? (Doug) WHAT IS GOING ON?? (Gary) I just heard that Doug was needed to judge the Pig Show competition, I told Norm that I just had to go get my bike and I'd cycle around town trying to find him. (Matt) But Norm just found us! (Gary) I know, I had to look around for my bike, somebody had inadvertently borrowed it for one of the shows at the fair, so I had to wait until they were done. (Doug) What were they doing with it? (Matt) DOUG, that doesn't matter right now. OK, I'll go tell everybody that Doug is still alive. Doug, you go and judge the Pig Show. Gary, you go find Norm and tell him that everything is fine, Doug is fine, and to tell everybody to calm down. (Gary) What are you going to do? (Matt) I have to go organize the Pig Show!!!
Kansas City Krunch
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(Kirk) Hello? Yes, is this the funeral director? Well, I'm afraid that somebody's died and we'll need you to come around and collect the body. Yes, I am aware it's a Sunday. Yes, I am aware that it takes a long time. Yes, I am aware that the bend coming into town is being constructed on and that it usually leads to a flat tire, look I hate to interrupt, I really do, but you'll need to come as soon as possible. Well, there's a dead body just sitting amongst the patrons! YES ELLIS, I'M CALLING THEM RIGHT NOW! Yes I...cover it up? Oh alright, uh....MIKE!
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(Mike runs over) What is it Kirk, I'm trying to cook 200 hamburgers on a grill that is trying to debate that it's a grill at all. I mean they've been on for an hour and they're barely singed! People are getting uppity. (Kirk) Never mind, you can get Jeff to cover for you, he's sitting over there in a sulk. Can you go and find a sheet to cover E2 in? (Mike) Why? He's just having a nap, looks like. (Kirk) No, I'm sorry Mike, this might come as quite a shock, but he's died. (Mike) Oh, no big deal. (Kirk) What???? (Mike) Yeah this happens almost once a year. That's the risk you run when you have half a town that's over 90 and you give them a fantastic show and food, usually a heart or two gives up. I'll go grab a sheet right now.
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(Jeff is now cooking hamburgers). MIKE! You didn't have the propane on full! And you need to give it some extra motivation...(Jeff pours on some more fuel, creating a TREMENDOUS fire on the grill). UHOH!!!! Well, the burgers are ready! Who wants one??? (A few eager fair goers raise their hands, while the rest are running for their lives.) (Jeff) DON'T WORRY EVERYBODY, everything is under control. Now, I hope you all like well done, flamey burgers, may I recommend lots of condiments, which you'll find over there.
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(Mike is grabbing a sheet and places it over the body, as quietly and inconspicuously as possible. Mike then goes to greet some people by the entrance to the fair). (Pat, running the house of horrors show, sees the chair with a blanket on it). Now how did this get here? Stupid kids are messing with my props again. They kept hiding my pumpkin heads, now they're hiding my ghosts. Ok buddy, let's get you up on stage and OOF! Either I'm getting weaker, or these props are getting heavier. (Pat places the chair with the dead body onstage, next to a few other chairs. Pat urges some of the actors in). Ok boys, you know the queue! Make sure you give them a good show. Here, I'll place the blankets over you now...there you go!
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(Dustin finally comes to the fair, and spots Sylvain). Sylvain! Hey, I'm sorry bud, can I borrow your phone? My battery just died and I need to call the funeral director. Don't tell anybody, but somebody's passed away. I know! Norm told me. Why didn't he call? Well he didn't have his phone on him. Why not? I have no idea. Why didn't anybody else in the group of townsfolk I was with call? I have no idea, maybe because I have good connections with the Funeral Home and Norm thought I could persuade them to come by on a Sunday. Anyway, just let me borrow your phone. Thanks. (Rings phone).
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(Don answers the phone, sounding very annoyed). Huskies Funeral Parlour, Don speaking. (Dustin) DON! Just the man I wanted to talk to. I'm sorry to tell you this on a Sunday, but somebody has died at the fair and I need you to send somebody round. (Don) Somebody ELSE has died? (Dustin) WHAT? (Don) I already got a call that somebody had died, I just sent my guy round to collect the body. (Dustin) Who called you??? (Don) I'm not sure, I thought it was you! (Dustin) Was it Norm? (Don) I have no idea! Are you telling me there's TWO dead bodies? (Dustin) I don't know what's going on! I heard that Doug is no longer the Vicar, and that he'd died! (Don) DOUG DIED? (Dustin) I DON'T KNOW! (Don) This is crazy, but I'm happy you called. Now that there are two dead bodies, I have an excuse to come down there myself. I hate missing the fair, but I drew the short straw on covering the place on the weekend. I'll be there in a flash!
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(Meanwhile, the Spooky Show for Kids has started). Pat "CHILDREN OF ALL AGES, AND THEIR PARENTS WHO SHOULD INDULGE A LITTLE BIT AND EXERCISE THEIR IMAGINATION! BEWARE, FOR WE ARE HOLDING OUR SHOW IN...A HAUNTED FOREST!!! (the kids scream with glee, the parents giggle). YES, and just make sure that you let me know if you happen to see any ghosts moving towards me. As long as I...(two of the actors in the chairs, Matt and Sam, spring up from their chairs and begin walking menacingly towards Pat. The kids lose their mind, the parents howl with laughter). Pat (acting dumb) WHAT? (he looks towards the ghosts, who have, in the blink of an eye, sat down again in their chairs, still covered in blankets). WHAT, what did I miss? (the kids are hollering at him that the ghosts moved towards him). (Pat) NO, C'MON, you're pulling my leg. I was only joking about the haunted forest.
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(Sam, whispering to Matt) Heh, this is great! The kids always love this....hey Matt, did you fart? (Matt) No, I thought you did! (Sam) Man, something stinks. Hey I thought Pat said there were only going to be three of us, who's in the other chair? (Matt) I thought he said there might be a fake one, like a prop or something. (Sam) Ah, that makes sense. Man, I'm hungry though, this is the fourth show today. You gonna have some of that bacon later? (Matt, a little too loudly) AM I? Oh man, I cannot wait. The Fair Bacon is always the best.
Nova Scotia Schooners
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(Eric has returned to the show, eating a very crispy and gross hamburger). Blech, they should've put me in charge. Hopefully the Bacon is better. Hey Matt, how's it going? (Matt of the Norsemen has entered the scene). (Matt) Hey, Kasim! (Eric) Uh, I'm not Kasim. Not even close. Are those new glasses? (Matt) No, no they're my old ones. I just came back from organizing the Pigs for the Pig Show. Let's go check it out! (Eric agrees, he's already seen Pat's show four times today).
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Corey bursts onto the scene. HAS ANYBODY SEEN MATT? MATT, there you are. Where are my Pigs? The Pig Show is about to begin! (Matt) I took the pigs to the red tent, just like the sign said. (Corey, blows a gasket) WHAT??? MATT, the RED TENT IS THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE TENT, THEY'RE GOING TO EAT MY PRIZED PIGS! (Matt) Yeah, they're going to eat your PRIZED Pigs, like your Prized Pigs Sausages you make. (Corey) MATT, those are PRIZE PIGS. PRIZE PIGS SAUSAGES. Prizez Pigs are the ones for the Show! (Matt) That is the WORST idea ever, and why do you breed two types of pigs, and give them a perilously close name resulting in imminent danger??? (COREY) YOU'RE RIGHT, THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA. Didn't you read the sign? It said, PRIZED PIGS are wearing the blue ribbons go to the blue tens, and PRIZE PIGS are wearing red ribbons and they go to the red tent. (Matt) Well look, it's not my fault, Norm rushed me and said I had to go take care of the Pig Show and I didn't have my glasses on me and...
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(Corey runs off to the red tent, screaming STOP EATING MY PIGS, STOP EATING MY PIGS!!!! Ryan appears, looking very solemn. Hey Eric, Matt. (Eric and Matt greet Ryan like the stellar chap he is). Did you guys hear about Doug? (Eric and Matt shake their heads) No, what happened to Doug? (Ryan is holding back tears). He's...he's giving up Fantasy Hockey. I heard that he said it's dead to him. (Eric and Matt look on in horror) WHAT? He can't give up fantasy hockey! He loves it! We love him in it! This has got to be a mistake, who did you hear it from? (Ryan) I overhead Tom say he was the new Vicar and then I heard somebody over there say that Doug's dead to them, and so I just put two and two together. I dunno, something about Doug not being Vicar anymore, and that he doesn't like fantasy hockey and that it's dead to him. Fantasy Hockey...
St. Louis Spartans
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Sean strolls up. Hey guys, sorry, everybody is in a panic. Did you just say dead body? (Ryan) NO I said Fantasy Hockey. (Sean looks like he's seen a ghost, and not the one in Pat's show). Oh man...I was talking to Doug about Fantasy Hockey a lot right before he fell asleep and Ellis Dorthywinkle was sitting right in front of us...Fantasy Hockey sure sounds a lot like "dead body" to a 109 year old...I better go make sure Ellis knows.
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Sean runs over to Ellis and bumps into Chris. (Sean) Hey Chris, how's it going? (Chris) Good man, I'm just watching Pat's show, the kids love it, it's awesome. Watch this. (Sean looks at Pat pantomiming looking for ghosts, but can't see the two actor ghosts behind him, the kids are losing their minds laughing and pointing. Sean also laughs). Hah, hey that's great. Listen, I need your help, you work with Ellis at the Care Home, right? (Chris) I sure do, she's sweet but can't hear a thing. (Sean) Right, well I was wondering if you could tell her that she misheard earlier, and that there's no dead body. She misheard "fantasy hockey." (Chris) Oh yeah, that makes sense. Ok I'll go tell her.
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(Chris) ELLIS! YES, HELLO! (Sheetal is annoyed ad can't hear the show, so he leaves to go get another hamburger). ELLIS, I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT THERE IS NO DEAD BODY. NO, IT...NO, THEY SAID FANTASY HOCKEY. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? NO, ELLIS, DOUG WAS PROBABLY NAPPING. THERE'S NO DEAD BODY AT ALL AROUND HERE.
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(Sheetal steps a bit too close to the grill and Jeff's blaze is growing. It engulfs Sheetal's shirt! Sheetal begins screaming and running around, trying to get help. Bob sees the fiasco and runs to grab some water.) (Bob) SHEETAL!!! I'VE GOT WATER HERE, RUN TO ME! (Sheetal, a fireball of chaos, runs through Pat's show, scaring everybody. Bob throws water upon Sheetal, putting out the fire. No harm done, apart from a few bruises. Phew! In the meantime, Pat is trying to calm everybody down.) EVERYBODY, IT'S ALRIGHT, STAY IN YOUR SEATS, PLEASE! There's nothing to worry about!
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(Michael, in a butcher's apron covered in pig's blood, comes tearing out of the tent.) WATCH OUT EVERYBODY, COREY LET LOOSE THE PIGS!!! (A barrage of hysterical pigs comes crashing out of the tent towards the fair. Complete pandemonium. Everybody is trying to grab a pig and bring them to the tent. Many are confused about which tent to bring them to. Corey appears.) (Corey) BLUE TENT! Bring them all to the blue tent, I can't tell which ones are for eating and which ones are for showing off. I NEED A NEW HOBBY!
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(In the madness, a pig has grabbed the blanket covering the dead body and reveals an old gentleman who has indeed, died. It is not Doug. The crowd goes mental. Pat cannot control the crowd any longer, gives up and goes to get a burger. Kasim appears, brings the funeral employee over to the dead body.) (Kasim) Here he is man, this is Doug, he's passed away. I'd better contact...(Kasim looks twice). Wait a minute, this isn't Doug. (The funeral employee looks confused).
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(At the same time, Norm, Guy, Doug, Gary Tom and Dustin all appear.) (Guy) OK, who told Doug he wasn't the Vicar anymore? We're here to get this story straight! (Many of the townsfolk have fainted, as they thought Doug was dead! Don appears.) OK everybody where's the second body? (More people scream, and begin to blame the cooking procedures by Jeff, or the scare tactics of Pat, or the pig stampede. Mark has had enough, grabs a loudspeaker and tries to calm everybody down, but he's lost his voice due to him singing the entire time the fair has been going on. Budget cuts, you know. Could only afford one musician, but somebody mentioned that Mark played seventeen different instruments and so, Mark passed along the loudspeaker to Bryce).
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(Bryce nods, and confirms with Mark, patting him on the shoulder). OK everybody, Mark has confirmed with me what's going on. Doug...has died. (Audible Gasps!) (Doug) NO. I. HAVE. NOT. I'M RIGHT HERE! (More audible gasps! Many proclamations that it's a fair miracle!) Bryce looks confused and tries again. (Bryce) Ok, DOUG IS FINE everybody. There is ONE dead body, over there, and the funeral person has put him in his hearse. Don, you came out here for nothing, but you might as well enjoy some Bacon while you're here. (Michael and Corey in the background) THERE'S NO BACON! (Bryce) Sorry, right. No bacon. Jeff, any burgers left?
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(Jeff has gone to the medical tent for treatment due to the fire. Ian has stepped in.) Hey Bryce? Yeah, I'm just firing up the grill, we have lots of hot dogs (Michael and Corey) NO! (Ian) Sorry, lots of burgers left. Anybody have a match? Oh...but yeah, so is Doug Vicar anymore? (Bryce) I have no idea, Henry is in charge of that. (The entire town looks at Henry).
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(Henry is looking very nervous). Well, the thing is, Doug is no longer the Vicar. Tom is. He went undefeated in regulation, had 20 points in his last eleven games, and is now 1 point back of Doug for tops in the entire league. That's it. I suppose I could have made that more clear from the beginning...but wasn't that fun??? (The entire town starts to chase Henry with pitchforks and throwing charred burgers).