Week 0.75 - Updated Pre-Season Rankings
What, you thought that the Summit pre-pre-season power rankings were all you'd get this year? For shame. Papa Schneider's here to crunch the numbers on everyone's post-free agency rosters using the exact same calculation as last time. Is it scientific? Nope, super arbitrary! But it's consistently arbitrary.
Now, I lack the unrestrained, some might say "child-like" imagination of our power ranking guru, Henry Skey, but what I do bring to the table is a borderline-unhealthy obsession with '90s sitcoms. And so, for your reading pleasure, I give you: Power Rankings à la Seinfeld, a carefully wrought quote for every team.
I wish this weren't true, but my few trades and signings have put me 0.08 Mystery Points™ ahead of Guy using the super-scientific ad hoc formula we came up with at the Summit. I don't need this pressure!
Okay okay, I know, but it was either that or a Soup Nazi reference. I hate Guy slightly less after meeting him, which somehow makes me hate him even more!
Don stays put following a quiet free agency, but he's already so good that it doesn't matter. Scary team, 'nuff said.
McDavid was every bit as good as advertised in the pre-season, but he didn't get much help from FA thanks to Jeff's very public aversion to capitalism.
Dustin dropped some big money in free agency ($20m between Jack Johnson and Drake Caggiula!) and now has the highest payroll in the league by over $10mill. Blimey.
Speaking of high payrolls, Matt brought his team up to a cool $100mill by signing Bryan Little and Dion Phaneuf to mammoth contracts. Surprise surprise, the ponies are in it to win it.
Like Guy, Don and Jeff ahead of him, Corey was quiet in FA. Unlike them though, his team is lopsided and could probably have used a goal-scorer or two. When your payroll's just $71m, it might be time to loosen up the ol' purse strings!
Everyone's favourite sim-summoner and F5er, Sean made waves by landing Parise, Grabner, Chara and Polak on what are, in hindsight, shockingly reasonable contracts compared to the rest of FA. Somehow, his payroll's still only $81mill. Pay attention, cheapskates!
Sam was quiet in FA, but he already had his own private free agency the day before the Summit when he bought an entire SICHL team. Ignoring that though, I'll always love him for the time he slept through all his 1st-round picks.
Another year, another free agency Frankenstein Fire Ants team (say that ten times fast!). Norm keeps finding a way to stay in the hunt, and I'm sure we all despise him for it.
Kirk came out of his FA-hibernation and dropped the kind of money on Getzlaf that makes the Panarin deal look fiscally prudent. Expect him to do it again next year -- he's still got $100mill in the bank.
An usually quiet FA from Sylvain, but like the guys at the top of the list it's because his team's already stacked. He'd be in the top-5 if he had even a league-average goalie.
Mike, ever the responsible one, kept his FA spending to a minimum. If that palace he lives in is any indication, he's a dedicated saver! I suspect this article will be magically ported into power rankings format because it will drive Mike crazy to leave it as-is, but like I said -- he's just a little eccentric ;)
Gary has to be the most trigger-happy GM we've had since the days of Martin Levesque and his magical Dragons. Surprising then that Ben Lovejoy was his biggest FA acquisition.
I know Matt well enough to know that what happened last season is still a sensitive subject. So, let's all point and laugh a little more, shall we? Ahahaha. *ahem* Getzlaf's gone, but Rick Nash arrived via FA. Yeah, that'll work.
Like St. Louis, the Cougars seemed to find some deals in FA while everyone else was snoozing -- Perry, Pominville, Oduya, and Budaj to name a few. Add in Tarasenko, Staal and Barkov, and this team will score. Nice work, Tom!
Ho hum, it's the Wheat Kings, quietly working their Manitoban alchemy and turning nothing into something yet again. They dropped a bit in the rankings but, like the Riders, it's largely due to goaltending. Doug knows what he's doing.
If Pat's Twitter-griping is any indication, he has fairly low expectations for his team this year. And that's... probably fair. He sure seems to relish it though, doesn't he?
Fearless leader Mark signed... Steve Ott and Rene Bourque. So, I guess he's not expecting much this season. Well that's okay -- just so long as he keeps simming the games, am I right?!
I've never seen anyone double-down on future success quite like Michael did this summer -- trading next year's 1st (among others) for Nolan Patrick on the assumption that his team will be strong again. Love the optimism, buddy! Sorry we couldn't grab that drink before you skipped town.
I don't know why, but I can never get a handle on the Vipers. It's like Gattaca -- did we underestimate them, or is our measurement flawed? Regardless, Bryce didn't do much in FA to make this year's team competitive, so it'll be another season of nail-biters and "over" performance.
Welcome to the league, Chris! This is bound to be a bit disorienting, so I'll catch you up -- Guy's evil and wins a lot, Mark loves answering questions about rule interpretations, and at some point nearly everyone in this league will try to rip you off. Myself included. Enjoy!
Okay, what the hell is happening in Chicago? It looks like they're finally committed to a full-on tank, then Sheetal picks up Turris and Iginla and now I have no idea. Love it, keep making us guess! We'll miss ya in Vancouver.
Bob, formerly of the Prague Knights if memory serves, pulled a fast one on us by picking up Sharp, Tyutin and Sjustr, which sounds like a discount law firm. I expected a tank, but that appears to be the last thing on Bob's mind. Welcome back!
Don't let that 25th place fool you, Henry's skilfully crafted a *terrible* team with the goal of Fallin' for Dahlin. Scott Darling props them up and, I suspect, will end up riding some pine as a result.
Kasim has some terrifying scoring up front, and I honestly expected him to load up and compete this year. Nope! Kasim is a greedy talent-monger, and won't rest until he towers over the Canadian Conference like a colossus. So, uh, nobody trade with him, eh? *whoops*
If there's one story line I'm most curious about this season it's gotta be this one, because the Shamrocks are unbelievably bad for a team with an $89mill payroll and no 1st-rounder. Can't wait to see how it shakes out, and best of luck to ya, Ryan -- you're gonna need it!
Now THAT'S how you tank! Ian quickly corrected me when I suggested during the pre-pre-season video that he'd be tanking -- shoe's on the other foot now, ain't it? Even with Lundqvist in net, the Rockies are BAD. How bad are they? Their #1 d-man is Matt Benning. Let's leave it at that.