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Week 0.75 - Updated Pre-Season Rankings

What, you thought that the Summit pre-pre-season power rankings were all you'd get this year?  For shame.  Papa Schneider's here to crunch the numbers on everyone's post-free agency rosters using the exact same calculation as last time.  Is it scientific?  Nope, super arbitrary!  But it's consistently arbitrary.

Now, I lack the unrestrained, some might say "child-like" imagination of our power ranking guru, Henry Skey, but what I do bring to the table is a borderline-unhealthy obsession with '90s sitcoms.  And so, for your reading pleasure, I give you: Power Rankings à la Seinfeld, a carefully wrought quote for every team.

1
Nova Scotia Schooners
Previous: 2 Trend: up 1
Go fold your little balloon animals, Eric. Eric... What kind of name is that for a clown?
I wish this weren't true, but my few trades and signings have put me 0.08 Mystery Points™ ahead of Guy using the super-scientific ad hoc formula we came up with at the Summit. I don't need this pressure!
2
Acadia Golden Bears
Previous: 1 Trend: down 1
The jerk store called, they're running out of you!
Okay okay, I know, but it was either that or a Soup Nazi reference. I hate Guy slightly less after meeting him, which somehow makes me hate him even more!
3
Whitehorse Huskies
Previous: 3 Trend: --
Two-hundred seats on a plane and I gotta wind up next to Yukon Jack and his dog Cujo!
Don stays put following a quiet free agency, but he's already so good that it doesn't matter. Scary team, 'nuff said.
4
Havana Revolution
Previous: 4 Trend: --
Fine, you want to be a communist, be a communist. Can't you at least look like a SUCCESSFUL communist?
McDavid was every bit as good as advertised in the pre-season, but he didn't get much help from FA thanks to Jeff's very public aversion to capitalism.
5
Las Vegas Aces
Previous: 5 Trend: --
It's the financial equivalent of a complete rectal examination.
Dustin dropped some big money in free agency ($20m between Jack Johnson and Drake Caggiula!) and now has the highest payroll in the league by over $10mill. Blimey.
6
Calgary Mustangs
Previous: 9 Trend: up 3
One never knows how the gastrointestinal workings of the equine are going to function.
Speaking of high payrolls, Matt brought his team up to a cool $100mill by signing Bryan Little and Dion Phaneuf to mammoth contracts. Surprise surprise, the ponies are in it to win it.
7
Québec Canons
Previous: 7 Trend: --
Cheapness is not a sense.
Like Guy, Don and Jeff ahead of him, Corey was quiet in FA. Unlike them though, his team is lopsided and could probably have used a goal-scorer or two. When your payroll's just $71m, it might be time to loosen up the ol' purse strings!
8
St. Louis Spartans
Previous: 12 Trend: up 4
How dare you impugn my clicking!
Everyone's favourite sim-summoner and F5er, Sean made waves by landing Parise, Grabner, Chara and Polak on what are, in hindsight, shockingly reasonable contracts compared to the rest of FA. Somehow, his payroll's still only $81mill. Pay attention, cheapskates!
9
Denver Rapids
Previous: 6 Trend: down 3
I mean, it's like the biggest event of your life! You'd think you'd have, like, six alarm clocks, paying off little kids in the village to come banging on your door!
Sam was quiet in FA, but he already had his own private free agency the day before the Summit when he bought an entire SICHL team. Ignoring that though, I'll always love him for the time he slept through all his 1st-round picks.
10
Philadelphia Fire Ants
Previous: 16 Trend: up 6
It's like they chopped off your arms and legs, dipped you in plastic, then screwed you all back together again and stuck you on a pedestal. It's really quite exquisite.
Another year, another free agency Frankenstein Fire Ants team (say that ten times fast!). Norm keeps finding a way to stay in the hunt, and I'm sure we all despise him for it.
11
Kansas City Krunch
Previous: 13 Trend: up 2
We're collectors. We see objects of great beauty and we must have them.
Kirk came out of his FA-hibernation and dropped the kind of money on Getzlaf that makes the Panarin deal look fiscally prudent. Expect him to do it again next year -- he's still got $100mill in the bank.
12
Reykjavik Riders
Previous: 8 Trend: down 4
Poise counts!
An usually quiet FA from Sylvain, but like the guys at the top of the list it's because his team's already stacked. He'd be in the top-5 if he had even a league-average goalie.
13
Edmonton Supersonics
Previous: 11 Trend: down 2
He's not a Nazi. He just happens to be a little eccentric. Most geniuses are.
Mike, ever the responsible one, kept his FA spending to a minimum. If that palace he lives in is any indication, he's a dedicated saver! I suspect this article will be magically ported into power rankings format because it will drive Mike crazy to leave it as-is, but like I said -- he's just a little eccentric ;)
14
Boston Colonials
Previous: 10 Trend: down 4
He fires people like it's a bodily function!
Gary has to be the most trigger-happy GM we've had since the days of Martin Levesque and his magical Dragons. Surprising then that Ben Lovejoy was his biggest FA acquisition.
15
Vancouver Island Norsemen
Previous: 14 Trend: down 1
God would never let me be successful. He'd kill me first. He'll never let me be happy.
I know Matt well enough to know that what happened last season is still a sensitive subject. So, let's all point and laugh a little more, shall we? Ahahaha. *ahem* Getzlaf's gone, but Rick Nash arrived via FA. Yeah, that'll work.
16
Stockholm Cougars
Previous: 18 Trend: up 2
That's good judgment. That's a pile of judgment there.
Like St. Louis, the Cougars seemed to find some deals in FA while everyone else was snoozing -- Perry, Pominville, Oduya, and Budaj to name a few. Add in Tarasenko, Staal and Barkov, and this team will score. Nice work, Tom!
17
Brandon Wheat Kings
Previous: 15 Trend: down 2
I'm doin' what I do, the way I've always done it, and the way I'll always do it.
Ho hum, it's the Wheat Kings, quietly working their Manitoban alchemy and turning nothing into something yet again. They dropped a bit in the rankings but, like the Riders, it's largely due to goaltending. Doug knows what he's doing.
18
Ottawa Slammers
Previous: 17 Trend: down 1
I feel like my old self again: totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, neurotic... It's a pleasure!
If Pat's Twitter-griping is any indication, he has fairly low expectations for his team this year. And that's... probably fair. He sure seems to relish it though, doesn't he?
19
Fredericton Express
Previous: 20 Trend: up 1
Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank God that you know me and have access to my dementia?
Fearless leader Mark signed... Steve Ott and Rene Bourque. So, I guess he's not expecting much this season. Well that's okay -- just so long as he keeps simming the games, am I right?!
20
London Monarchs
Previous: 21 Trend: up 1
Do you ever yearn?
I've never seen anyone double-down on future success quite like Michael did this summer -- trading next year's 1st (among others) for Nolan Patrick on the assumption that his team will be strong again. Love the optimism, buddy! Sorry we couldn't grab that drink before you skipped town.
21
Vancouver Vipers
Previous: 19 Trend: down 2
It'll be a funky adventure.
I don't know why, but I can never get a handle on the Vipers. It's like Gattaca -- did we underestimate them, or is our measurement flawed? Regardless, Bryce didn't do much in FA to make this year's team competitive, so it'll be another season of nail-biters and "over" performance.
22
Toronto Metropolitans
Previous: 22 Trend: --
Where am I? Is this a dream? What in God's name is going on here?
Welcome to the league, Chris! This is bound to be a bit disorienting, so I'll catch you up -- Guy's evil and wins a lot, Mark loves answering questions about rule interpretations, and at some point nearly everyone in this league will try to rip you off. Myself included. Enjoy!
23
Chicago Tigers
Previous: 24 Trend: up 1
If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.
Okay, what the hell is happening in Chicago? It looks like they're finally committed to a full-on tank, then Sheetal picks up Turris and Iginla and now I have no idea. Love it, keep making us guess! We'll miss ya in Vancouver.
24
Brno Barons
Previous: 27 Trend: up 3
You should just do it like a Band-Aid: one motion, right off!
Bob, formerly of the Prague Knights if memory serves, pulled a fast one on us by picking up Sharp, Tyutin and Sjustr, which sounds like a discount law firm. I expected a tank, but that appears to be the last thing on Bob's mind. Welcome back!
25
Hamburg Gladiators
Previous: 25 Trend: --
That's right, I'm taking a dive!
Don't let that 25th place fool you, Henry's skilfully crafted a *terrible* team with the goal of Fallin' for Dahlin. Scott Darling props them up and, I suspect, will end up riding some pine as a result.
26
Montréal Millionaires
Previous: 26 Trend: --
I choose not to run!
Kasim has some terrifying scoring up front, and I honestly expected him to load up and compete this year. Nope! Kasim is a greedy talent-monger, and won't rest until he towers over the Canadian Conference like a colossus. So, uh, nobody trade with him, eh? *whoops*
27
Dublin Shamrocks
Previous: 28 Trend: up 1
This is the most public yet of my many humiliations.
If there's one story line I'm most curious about this season it's gotta be this one, because the Shamrocks are unbelievably bad for a team with an $89mill payroll and no 1st-rounder. Can't wait to see how it shakes out, and best of luck to ya, Ryan -- you're gonna need it!
28
Banff Rockies
Previous: 23 Trend: down 5
Far as I can tell, your entire enterprise is little more than a solitary man with a messy apartment which may or may not contain a chicken.
Now THAT'S how you tank! Ian quickly corrected me when I suggested during the pre-pre-season video that he'd be tanking -- shoe's on the other foot now, ain't it? Even with Lundqvist in net, the Rockies are BAD. How bad are they? Their #1 d-man is Matt Benning. Let's leave it at that.

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