DUN DUN DUN DA DUN
DUN DUN DUN DA DUN
DUN DUN DUN DA DA DUN!
DUN DUN DUN DA DUN!
DUN DUN DUN DA DUN!!!
DA DA DA DA DA DA!!!! DUN!!!
(A myriad of saxophones, trumpets and drum blare)
It's time to play some hockey!
It's time to shed some light!
It's time to meet the GMs on the SICHL show tonight!
BUM BUM BUM
It's time to put on makeup!
It's time to dress up right!
It's time to....wait wait wait, a minute (a rabble rabble falls over the GMs)
Norm: I get the first part, but why are we putting on makeup and dressing up?
Kasim: Yeah, how come I'm in a dress?
Henry: Well, we don't have any women in the SICHL currently.
Kasim: If anything, YOU should be wearing a dress, you're experienced enough playing a woman on stage!
Henry: Fine fine, lose the dress.
Henry: (anticipating problems) yeah?
Sam: Bob McKenzie is going to be late.
Henry: WHAT? How late?
Sam: Late late.
Henry: Damnit. Dustin, you know Bob, can you get him on the horn?
Dustin: You know, this reminds me of a hot take I did last week
Henry: I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR SEMI INTERNET MEME RELATED HOCKEY OPINION DUSTIN.
Dustin: Sheesh, so touchy. I'm calling, I'm calling.
Mike: Uh, I went 9-0-1 in my last 10 and you have me near the end of the show when I should clearly be way higher.
Henry: This is already turning into a disaster. I thought I had a plan in place, but as soon as the lights hit and the crowd is waiting, everything is going wrong! How the hell can we possibly put a show together in this condition? Well, let's start at the beginning. Where's my stage manager, my most capable and clearly intelligent GM since their team is number one?
"Right here, Henry!" Oh thank goodness, ok Don, we're in for a real show today and since YOUR team has the most points, the best goal differential and is 9-1-0 in his last ten games, you're going to be my right hand man. "Shouldn't I be running the show, and YOU be my right hand man?" Look, if you want to try and organize this circus, be my guest. (Don looks backstage and sees four different kinds of animals, a giant tuba that is tilting dangerously over and a conga line that is going the wrong way). Point taken.
"Henry! I've got Bob on the phone. He says he thought his agent was playing a practical joke on him and wasn't sure if this was real. I reminded him that no fake event would have Dustin Nielson as co-host." Since when did I say you could co-host? I'm not even hosting, I'm just producing this thing! "Oh. Well in that case, stand aside! I'm 8-1-1 in my last 10." Wait, Dustin, there's a full audience out there. Are you ready for this? "Ready? I've been on TSN! Tens of people have listened to me each and every day on TSN 1260. I was born ready." Ok, just make sure you run everything by me first. "Gotcha. Now, to announce the details of my mega blockbuster trade." (Dustin walks on stage). That sounds g...wait a minute. WHAT BLOCKBUSTER TRADE!?!?!? DON!!!!!
"Hey buddy, got here as quickly as I could. Look, I know you like to think you're a project manager, but I'm the one that organizes these types of things for my work, so I've added a charity booth in the foyer, that'll get good PR and it's a good cause." Phew, ok man that's great, really means a lot to me that you're here. And we could use a good PR boost, I want this show to last longer than a week. What's the charity? "Norsemen looking for a 2nd line Right Winger. In need." Sigh. Well, I've heard of worst causes. OK, make it happen.
(Dustin is now on stage). "Hey thanks folks, what a great audience." (Pat, sitting in his own Booth above the crowd, interjects). "CAN'T SAY THE SAME ABOUT THE ON STAGE TALENT!! HAHAHAHA" (Dustin is clearly shaken up by Pat's superior projection and power in his voice). "Uh, well, anyway! I gotta tell you folks, I've got a hot take for you all!" (Pat interjects once again). "REALLY? BECAUSE YOU'RE GETTING A PRETTY COLD RECEPTION SO FAR!! DOOOOHOHOHOHO". (Dustin is now sweating). Uh, well....hey, I don't know if you've heard, but the SLAMMERS are only 4-4-2 and is only 3rd overall in points now!" (Pat) STILL BETTER THAN YOU! HEY, HOW ARE THOSE DRAFT PICKS WORKING OUT FOR YOU?" (Dustin) Which draft picks? (Pat) EXACTLY! BWAHAHAHAHA. (Dustin runs off stage).
(Dustin) - Oh man, that heckler is brutal. I sure hope he doesn't get a buddy, a tandem of that nature would be both devastating and hilarious. Henry, I'm going to try and regroup here and get Bob on the phone again. (Henry) Ok, you do that. Don, who's up next? (Don) Yup, that would be Gary. Gary is performing his power lifting. (Henry) CAN Gary powerlift? (Don) I have no idea, but he has 12 players with power play goals, with 7 having at least 3 each, so he's convinced he's full of power. He's also STILL one of the hottest teams in the league and if Henry was paying attention, he probably would put them ahead of Ottawa and maybe even the Norsemen. (Henry) Don, you're talking to me. (Don) Oh, sorry, got confused there. Well, there goes Gary! ...and there goes Gary though the floor! I thought we checked the stage for strength!!! Where's my assistance stage manager, Matt? No, I don't have a 2nd line Right Winger, I meant Matt Burch!
HERE I AM, DON! (Matt gallops in on a live horse. Because of course he does). (Henry) I'm getting a headache and we're only 6 minutes into the show. (Don) Matt, didn't you get the memo? We're not doing the rodeo bit. (Matt) Why not?? (Don) Didn't you get the memo? (Matt) No, I don't pay attention to memos. Like how nobody thought I'd still be in the top 5 in the league for points, or how I've won 7 of my last 10 games. I'm here to stay. Now, where's the canteen, I'm raring to quench a little thirst. Hey Tom, you have any experience with horses? Why is she so upset?
(Tom) Well, I'd guess that it's because she's in a crowded, poorly light area with a lot of random, loud noises and she's hungry. Here, I've got some hay in my pockets and I'll just sooth her by whispering into her ear. (Henry and Don are stunned). Wow, Tom! Is there anything you can't do? (Tom) Not lately. I'm 7-1-2 in my last 10 and even without Patrick Marleau, I'm competing for a top spot in the World Conference! (Henry) That's amazing! What are you going to be doing for the show? (Tom) Do? Show? I just did. And I just showed you. (Tom vanishes into thin air). (Don) Oh great, a haunted theater. I specifically asked for NOT a haunted theatre!!
Hey everybody, I'm here! (Norm is dressed up as a Ferengi). (Henry) Outstanding, can we get Norm prepped for the Star Trek skit, we're going on after we pull Gary out from under the stage. (Norm) No need! I've already got the perfect Ferengi costume and attitude - everybody thinks I'm down and out, but I may or may NOT have underhanded, shady deals going on. I've got my Ferengi ears finely crafted and proverbially to the ground to make sure nothing is happening without my knowhow. Now, which way to the stage? (Don begins to usher him towards the curtain). (Henry) NORM, YOUR FLY IS UNDONE!
(Jeff arrives). (Henry) FINALLY, Jeff what took you so long? (Jeff) Sorry Hank, bit of a delay. My team has experienced a bit of a blip at 3-4-3, but hey, I'm still here, still in the top 5! (Henry) Since you were late, I had to demote you to spot number 9. (Jeff) WHAT!? Spot number 9? But I...I was on vacation! I didn't get a chance to set my lines! YOU! YOU did this to me! (Henry) Calm down Jeff, now, are you ready to be in our Star Trek skit about (Henry looks at the script). THE TROUBLE WITH TRADELES? WHO WROTE THIS CRAP!??!?! (looks at script writer's name)...
DAMNIT, CAN WE GET A RE-WRITE PLEASE????
(Sylvain grabs the script out of Henry's hands). I should have been doing this in the first place. Who put you in charge, anyway? I have better forwards than you, score more goals, have more wins...it really boggles my mind how I'm behind you in the hierarchy. (Henry gestures to the chaos behind him. There's now a burst pipe to accompany the out of tune piano that's being played by Guy, while being spun around on a disc). (Sylvain) I think I'll stick to script writing. Here you go, a few more jokes, a few less groans! Beam me up, laughter!
(Guy) I'm not even mad. Why would I be? Sure, I'm spinning so much that I'm a bit dizzy, but I'm showing off my talents my playing the piano, while juggling AND I'm taking time to sign autographs for the fans who somehow made it backstage. I thought we had security here? Oh well. Hey Don, I'm getting a little sick here, can I do my bit yet? I'm used to going on stage early and being done by now...
BOOM. (Henry) PLEASE tell me Corey isn't firing cannons indoors. BOOM. (Don) Hey Henry, Corey is raring to go, but he says he might need some of the audience members to move to the sides of the theatre in case the cannons go off early. (Henry) How many audience members? (Don) All of them. (HEnry) ALL OF THEM? How many cannons does he have? (Don) HEY COREY, HOW MANY CANNONS DO YOU HAVE? (Corey) FIVE HUNDRED, TO CELEBRATE CALLING MY 500th GAME FOR THE OIL KINGS. (Henry) THAT'S FAR TOO MANY CANNONS, COREY! HOW ABOUT YOU BRING IN TWO AND WE'LL GO FROM THERE.
(Michael) CAN EVERYBODY STOP SHOUTING, PLEASE? The Queen is getting annoyed. (Henry, sighing) I really hope Michael is talking about a drag queen. (Michael) Nope! I brought her majesty herself, Queen Elizabeth the 2nd. (Henry) Ok, aside from the kidnapping charges, this is a terrible idea. What is the Queen going to do? (Michael) Well, she always draws a huge crowd just by waving so I'm going to wheel her out there and give it a try! I might as well, with Ovechkin injured, I don't have any other ideas. (Don) I don't think that's going to work, but...hey, it's working! The crowd loves her! OH NO, MICHAEL, WATCH OUT FOR THE GIANT POWERLIFTING HOLE!!!
(Henry) Phew, they missed the hole. Ok, next up is..Bryce. Bryce, you're snake charming in 2 minutes, you ready? (Bryce) Yup, you bet. (Henry) Bryce...what are all those bite marks on your arms, neck and face? (Bryce) Uh...those are...pimples. Yeah, I've been eating a lot of sugar lately. (Henry) Some of them are bleeding profusely. And you're turning green. (Bryce) All part of the act! Don't worry, it might look like I'm down and out, but a Viper strikes back!...Numerous times, especially if they're pissed off. Sean, you got the Pungi ready?
(Sean) I don't see why I have to play the music. I have 69 points to your 68! (Bryce) Yeah but I'm in the weaker conference (Pat: YEAH RIGHT!!!)...how did he hear us whispering backstage? Anyway, I'm in the playoffs and you're not. You still have to claw and fight your way back into a playoff spot, so I say you're Mr. Pungi today. Don't worry, Snuffles is a very friendly Viper. (Sean) Well, with a name like that, I'm perfectly at ease. WHOAAA
(SMACK. Sean has fallen into the hole, and Snuffles has gotten out. Sean leaps out of the hole). (Don) Good. Now we have an impromptu snake pit stage right. Sorry Henry, I don't know how this is all happening. (Henry) S'ok, I'm used to it. (Mike is directly beside Henry). (Henry) Can I...help you? (Mike) Yes, I'm ready for my bit! (Henry, flipping through the script) Sorry Mike, the basement teams aren't on until later. (Mike) Yeah but I'm 9-0-1 in my last ten and have only lost once in regulation in the last, like, month. I'm only 5 points out of the playoffs now. (Henry) Don, can you fact check? That's impossible. (Don) Nope, he's right. The SuperSonics are the hottest team in the league right now. Ok Mike, get out there! (Mike) Thanks guys! I can't wait to do my incredible feat of AARGGGG!!!! (Mike has been attacked by a Tiger).
(Mark, as always, has a solution). Don't worry friends. I'm at home on stage. I can spin a tune and catch a tiger by the toe, grab your partner, dosey doe. (Mark begins playing a song that would belong in a hootenanny). (The Tiger continues to maul Mike). (Mike) HELP! (Don and Henry are grabbing piles of meat from the catering table to distract the Tiger. It seems to have worked and it wanders off to go eat something less alive). (Henry) Mark, why didn't you help? I thought you and Mike were friends? (Mark, still strumming on his banjo) Well, we were friend. Until Mike started winning and jeopardizing my playoff bid. You know how it goes, 'aint that right brother?
(Henry) I'm not your brother! (Henry sees Kirk standing there). (Henry) Oh, that brother. Kirk, you're here a little early too! (Kirk) Ah well, when you've got cash like I do, I show up whenever I want. Did I mention that I'm 6-3-1 in my last 10? Did I also mention that I've got a certain Auston Matthews waiting in the wings? No, literally, waiting in the wings, he's right over there. Now, I heard something about a rodeo?
(Animals and music continue to permeate the backstage area). (Eric) Hey Hen! Listen, I went and got Bob McKenzie and told him to head onstage for his interview with Dustin, but I was wrong and now he's locked in a bathroom. (Henry) Terrific. Wait, what are you doing ferrying around the talent? Shouldn't you be one of the stars of the show? (Eric) ...I'm going to go talk to Dustin. Back in a bit.
(Don!) Okay, next up we have Bob and his Bouncing Beers! ...I'm not even going to take a stab at that one, but Bob you ready to go? (Bob) Sure am. I've created gummy beers. They bounce here, and there, and everywhere. And they're 7.9% alcohol! (Don and Henry manage to taste one each before Bob saps their hands away). (Bob) Look, just because I said I'm open for business, doesn't mean I'm just going to be GIVING these away. Besides, I'm 6-3-1 in my last ten, I'm on a roll! Or...a bounce!
(Henry) Hey, wasn't Michel supposed to be on a while ago? (Don) Yeah, but his Falcons got loose and he's been chasing them ever since. (Henry) How many did he have? (Don) Ten. (Henry) how many does he have now? (Don). One. (Henry) Look, we're nearing the end of the show and we HAVE to get a big finish. Just get him out there and have the Falcon fly around or something.
(Doug) HEY GUYS! I got the WHEAT KINGS HERE! (Don) The hockey team? (Doug) No, why would we have a hockey team at our SICHL variety hour? That's dumb, Don, and you know it. I've built a bunch of regal looking dudes out of wheat! ...Why are you both looking at me like that? The crowd will love it!
(Don and Henry strategize) Ok so we have one Falcon who may or may NOT fly around, a bunch of dudes made out of wheat...actually, HEY DOUG? YEAH, GO TO PROPS AND GET SOME GOOGILY EYES TO PUT ON THE WHEAT KINGS, IT'LL LOOK FUNNY! NO, I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR ARTISTIC INTEGRITY, JUST DO IT, WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME. Ryan! Got anything for the final bit? (Ryan) Sure do! I'm going to Riverdance! (Henry) Actually, that'll work! We haven't had a dancing number yet. (Ryan) YEAH! And fresh off my trip to Sarasota Florida, I'll be dancing with LIVE GATORS!
(Henry) I can't...ok, I won't argue. Fine. So, Don, we have a Falcon, Wheat Kings, Riverdancing Alligators. We could use a hype man...who isn't dead or dying or trying to find animals...Derrick? Yeah, where's Derrick? What do you mean nobody can find him? Golf course? What do you mean he's playing ....forget it, we're on in 30 seconds!
(The Tiger has made a terrifying return and is fighting with Ryan's Alligators. Everybody is screaming, and the fracas makes it's way on stage). (Henry) I don't believe it. The crowd is loving this! (Don) HENRY we can't have animals fighting on stage! It's cruel! (Henry) You're right, get animal control on the phone ASAP. (Don) They've been here for an hour, I'm calling the National Guard, we're way out of our element here. (Henry) Who even OWNS a Tiger? (Sheetal) Sorry boys! I just had to put Mike in his place, I didn't even mean to be here today. I'll grab Mr. Whiskers here and be on my way. Mr. Whiskers! It looks like you've made a scaly, ornery green friend! Yes you have!
(The show is over. Nobody in the crowd was murdered and everybody seems to have survived). (Kasim) Hey Henry, just doing the figures here, it actually looks like everybody had a good time, according to the exit surveys. We were profitable too. You ran a great show! (Henry) I take no credit. Everybody stepped up. Or, in a few cases, fell into. Or got mauled. Sam, how is Mike faring?
(Sam attending to Mike's wounds). He'll live. He says it's still less painful than trying to redesign the site and listen to everybody's gripes. Oh, and I got Bob McKenzie out of the bathroom. He took one look at the show and left. Something about going back to his cottage on the lake and how we're not invited.