Good. Let's get to it.
The Monocle of Cairn is going to be on display at We Shouldn't Have Let the Internet Name Our Museum Museum downtown tomorrow. Regular hours are impossible, too many people around. In the evening, however, a very exclusive list of the uper crust will be there for an invite-only party. That's our job.
"How are we supposed to steal the diamond in front of all those people? Not to mention, the security."
Good question. We don't.
*rabble rabble rabble*
Rabble rousers, calm yourselves. We're going after something far more valuable. Al McDavidson will be there, one of the richest scumbugs you can find. Everything we want, is in his pocket. We go in, mingle with the crowd, create a diversion, and take it.
Money. His phone alone will be worth millions, it'll have so much intel that we can blackmail him for years. BUT the real prize will be next to his phone. Now, listen up, because if this is going to work, you all need to focus and do your jobs. Starting with...
Don? AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Ok, thanks Don. Entirely unnecessary, but what you're doing is obviously working. Hands up, who thinks trading the top goalie in the game is a good move? While you're already competitive? No? Well THAT'S WHY Don is going to be the first man at the party, because he thinks big and doesn't let conventional thinking get in his way. Don, you're going to the party as Donelius Husky the 3rd. Schmooze up everybody you can. If you can pick a few pockets along the way, be my guest.
Pat? Hey, there he is. The Great Slambino. Guys, Pat knows the inner workings of the museum like nobody else. He's been scouting the place for years. Most of the people there know him, and trust him. He's head of security and going to make our jobs a LOT easier. Any questions you guys have about getting in, identifications, motion sensors, etc. You know where to turn.
Where's the Norse? Matt, sorry I thought you would have been top of my list and right beside me here. I know you've been talking a big game lately and you're still a captain in this crew, but we need you focused. You're in charge of speeches - there will be more than a few TV cameras there and we need to make sure everybody's attention is away from our target. Can you whip up a few monologues? Not too short, not too long. As much mention of the diamond as possible. Thanks pal.
Dustin, the Ace with the Case! Good to see you. We need our guests to be as limber as possible. Liquid courage, nose snow, whatever. Don't make anybody pass out, but definitely get them to a higher level of existence for a few hours. You know, like your Aces who seem to have no qualms about escaping realities like losing games, climbing 8 spots in the rankings, those kinds of things.
Where's the Ferengi? No, I don't mean the Fire Ant. Where's Norm? There he is. Norm, you got the doors? Fantastic. No, I know, you're gonna want to skim some bribes of people wanting to get in. That's totally fine. How much you think you can pull in? HOW MUCH? Bah. Norm, you don't need to remind me of the Rule of Acquisition Number 5: Always Exaggerate Your Estimates. Message received.
Corey, you want to hop on board with Norm? Aren't you set for cash? Ah, downward trend. I can empathize. Ok, you're on the doors too but don't be too loud. What?!? Don't give me that look, they don't call you the Canon because you're relevant to the main overarching story.
Jeff? Hey. You want to lead a revolution? Maybe another day. Until you beat me in the playoffs, what I say goes. You're on kitchen duty. Make sure that Alan doesn't served anything that's going to upset his stomach. Keep the appetizers coming though, I want him stuffed. He loves his seafood, do something like fish and potato chips. Naw, Eric had them at his wedding and they were flawless. Do it.
OK boys, the Godfather would like to say a few words. Go ahead Don...er, Guy. "Thanks Hamburglar. I've done this a hundred times before. Sixteen heists in a row once, without getting caught. That's a streak I'll bet each and every one of you envy. I can't guarantee any of you will come close, but we're going to start off by doing tonight right. I've got all the transportation taken of - I can get anybody to and from the museum at a moment's notice. Hell, I've got so many cars half of them are just sitting in my garage, parked and waiting. You'll each be assigned your own...for the right price, of course. I'm not doing this for free.
Where's our Schooner? Hey Eric. Guys, we're lucky enough that the Museum is right on the water, which means nighttime boat tours. Jeff, make sure every single one of those guests is well fed and Dustin, every single one needs to have had at least three drinks. We'll need you to coordinate with Sylvain on crowd control.
Sylvain? You're on crowd control. You're used to herding loads of talented, good looking people so that's why you're here. Make sure the guests know where everything is, when they should go on the boat tour, etc. Now at first they'll be a little bit nervous so make sure to be as energetic as possible. Lead the room.
Alright guys, may I introduce the Mayor? That's right, we've got The FredEx Delivery on our side. Mark's got one job; get the Chief of Police to a side room, and talk shop for an hour or so. We can't have him scoping out our goings on. He's way too familiar with way too many of us, but there's no way he'll miss this. He hates boats too, so that's out. Mark up to you. You game?
Where's the Monarch? Michael, there you are. Guys, Michael is going to buy the diamond tonight. (Laughter). I know, I know. Since the Monocle of Cairn was originally found in England, Michael's going to be spreading a sob story about how his dying, rich father's last wish was to see the Monocle brought back to the homeland. Michael, drum up as much snobbery as you can. We need everybody fixated on you tonight. You're the star of the show.
Where's the Mustang? Matt Burch. Same job as Eric, but on land and with horses. I'd recommend getting Lord and Lady Winthrop. They'll have no idea what's going on and I'm sure the Lady's heavy purse could use some lightening. Hey, even if all of us aren't directly involved in getting the grand prize, we can have some fun along the way, right? Go nuts, but keep the horses calm. Sylvain, maybe mention the horse rides at the beginning? Pat, any security risk with the horses? I have no idea where the horses are from, does that matter?
This is getting way too complicated. Gary, you're a server. Don't give me that look, I know you're on the way up, but you've still got a long way to go. Besides, we need ears and eyes on the ground. You'll have the earpiece, make sure you're communicating to us where Alan is, what's he doing, how the room is feeling, etc.
I'm the Jack Harmon of the group tonight guys. I'll be here, at the base, with my seven computer monitors. I can talk to anybody from here, so MAKE SURE you have your earpieces tested and working before you head out.
Boys, before you head out, make sure to get your, ahem, equipment from Doug. Check with me for earpieces, but Doug's got your weaponry for this evening. Don't worry, no casualties. Doug is used to buying anything he can get his hands on and he's secured the most incredible tranquilizers I've ever seen. Don't even look like guns, just like bigger flash drives. Good stuff Doug, hand em out now. Let's have a demonstration, maybe. Make sure everybody is familiar.
Ok, we're nearing the end of our plan. Tom, you're one of the friendliest guys I know, so you're doing to distract Alan as much as you can. He loves the Pacific northwest and seafood, and hockey, so I'm sure you'll have lots to talk about. We'll get Kirk to pose as a journalist to try and get an interview with Tom almost immediately to make sure Alan knows he's important. Kirk, you down for that?
Awesome. Don't bring your expensive camera or suit, make it look like you snuck in. Pat, Norm, Corey make sure he gets temporary clearance? Good. Kirk, when you get "kicked out" , Guy will have a car waiting for you.
Bob, the Baron. You're up. Make sure to wear your monocle and make a lot of bad jokes about how yours isn't as big, Alan will love that. Wear that hat too. Seem important. Anything to keep him looking at anywhere but his pocket.
Sean, you're our electricity guru for this evening. Pat will make sure the regular guy is scheduled at the wrong time so you'll have at least an hour to get in and cut the power. Lights go dark at 11pm SHARP. At that point, Ryan will relieve our target of his precious belongings. Ryan, got that four leaf clover ready?
I hope you got it for the right Price. But you're the slipperiest among us, making deals when the rest of us aren't looking, so you're going to be the main extractor. Grab it, and get out as fast as possible.
Michel, you got the firecrackers? Good. We need as much chaos as possible before the emergency lights kick back on. Remember, DON'T PANIC. We only need Ryan and a few others to get out. The rest of us can stay, we don't want to arouse suspicion that we're in on it. Pat, Norm, Corey, make sure Michel doesn't get the pat down at the doors.
Bryce, you're our man on the outside. Tons of places to hide. I know, you'd like to be up high in the tower, but we don't need eyes or ears up there. Way too cold. Besides, we need to make sure Ryan hands off the package to you. Get in the car you've got parked down the road. Sheetal, you're going to be taking Bryce back to headquarters. You down?
Alright. Sheetal will drive Ryan back here and we'll regroup at 0300. We'll divvy up the loot and claim our prize here. We each get an equal share. Whatever you steal on your own is yours. Consider this an entrepreneurial tryout if you must. The rest, Sam, Derrick, Mike and Kasim, you're guarding me here at HQ. OK fine, Sam and Derrick can go. Just make sure you look good doig it. You both look good in blue. Hell sure, go in matching suits. Just make sure to listen and jump in as rovers if you need anything. We good? Let's go. See you all at 3am.
Psst, Derrick, why did you volunteer us? We could've made out like bandits without having lifted a finger. Ahhh, good idea. We're up and coming, enterprising members of the crew. We need to get in there as much as possible, make some deals and before you know it, we'll be running this show. Let's go, I know a place that can suit us up.
(The evening goes off without a hitch...for the crew. Later that night, patrons will shockingly realize that their cash, jewelry, cell phones and credit cards aren't where they left them. The Monocle will remain in its case, security and the Chief of Police swarming it since it must have been the target).
Well done everybody, well done! Pat, that was amazing improvising. Door boys, good job, Ryan any troubles? No, fantastic. Let's see it. (Ryan reveals...a piece of paper???) Ok boys, calm down. Calm down. We got his phone too, if you want the secret contacts and code names of a hundred agents, I'm sure you can make do with that info. But the real prize is this...(Mike pulls out a non-Doug non-non lethal gun). GENTLEMEN, LET ME SEE YOUR HANDS. (Mike has betrayed the group!) Sorry boys. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I had it all; access to every piece of technology we were using, contacts in every police department, an incredible roster of thugs...but nothing was working. Don't blame me, all of you would've done the same. Now, Kasim and I are gonna be leaving now and I don't expect you to follow us. (Mike shoots out the lights and he and Kasim run off with the grand prize).
Kasim, we did it! We swindled those other 26 guys! They didn't know what hit them! They...(Mike is feeling drowsy...and soon realizes Kasim has hit him with a shot from the flash drive tranquilizer!) Kasim..how could you...Kasim smiled. "Now, to look at the prize. Hey, look at that. It's a perfect list of who to draft for the next ten years! I forgot Alan had access to time travel technology. And with the first pick in the 2017-2018 draft, the Millionaires select...