Well, that's just typical. All 28 GMs are here to celebrate the holidays, complete with ugly sweaters, bad trade propositions and unjustified optimism. You'd think nothing could go wrong, just a great evening of merriment among friends in a gargantuan, luxury cabin.
That's what I thought, until the door burst open and a ghostly apparition introduced itself as Simeon Toiser'n de Lestallum. None of us could remember the name, so it lost patience with our attempts and said to just call it the SIM. In short, the SIM was angry. None of us were grateful at all, at a time of year when we should be thanking our lucky stars for how hard the SIM works to ensure we have box scores, standings and, naturally, injuries.
We all protested, but the SIM was having none of it. It would curse us this evening (somebody yelled something about the SIM curinsg him every evening), in the worst possible way. Then, with a scream and a burst of air, it was gone.
HA! What rubbish. What else could the SIM possibly do that it hasn't already? Some nervous laughter echoes and the night's mood tourned sour. Oof, my stomach. Anybody else starting to feel weird?
What...what's happening? It seems Pat is being surrounded by gold dust...Pat, are you ok? PAT SPEAK TO US! Why is this happening? Is it because he's unquestionably the best team in the league? King of the loudest laugh? Scoring depth for days? Regardless, Pat is being turned into...A SLAMMER! Holy cow, Pat has morphed into a prison, bars and all. What is going on???
Ouch. OUCH! What the hell? It's like something bit me. Ants...ANTS! Or rather, one ant. Guys, we have ants. An ant. Keep it away from the food, otherwise it'll just completely devastate it, much like how Norm's Fire Ants have devastated other SICHL teams, with only 2 regulation losses and the 2nd best goal differential in the league.
Hmm, Matt MacInnis doesn't seem to be affected at all. He still looks like a Norsemen, same as before. He still has his beard, and enjoys his mead. So what's changed? (Looks at standings) A-HA! The SIM was actually nice to Matthew and transformed his team into a VERY Good team. He's so drunk with success, he's considering trading Duncan Keith!
And now Guy is being turned into a bear! A BEAR! BEAR! WITH GOLDEN HAIR! (no Maiden Fair, though). It makes sense - the lifespan of a bear starts off as a cute, cuddly cub that won't do real damage. But now? Guy is an unstoppable force, with a green bandana and a huge appetite for wins. Everybody, hurl desserts at him and save yourselves!
Oh no, Sylvain not you too! You appear to be...well, actually becoming much more handsome. Your long, gallant neck and perfectly flat teeth look almost...horselike...everybody RUN SYLVAIN IS ABOUT TO STAMPEDE UP IN OUR BUSINESS. Oh no, it's already too late! He's already trampled Kasim, Matt B and Sean! Will his terror ever be reigned in?
Dustin, how are you possibly going to react to this? Should you ask Bob McKenzie? Put on another oven mitt? Smoke...smoke you a kipper, you'll be back for breakfast? What the hell are you talking about?
Jeff, calm down. There's no need for a revolution. In fact, you're exactly where you were two weeks ago. You're one of the best teams in the league. McDavid and Seguin are tearing it up. You've already beat up Henry and haven't lost to him in regulation yet. That doesn't sound like a need for any kind of uprising. LOOK OUT, SYLVAIN IS COMING BACK FOR MORE! Why isn't Guy distracting Sylvain, or attacking him or something? Oh damnit, Guy has so much food and treats he's not even paying attention to the rest of us!
Ah well, at least we only have ONE horse to deal with. It's not like we have two horses to deal with SPOKE TO SOON, MATT B HAS ALSO TURNED INTO A BRILLIANT, GALLOPING STALLION. Why the hell would I jinx our luck like that? Maybe because one jinx has already worked - I ranked Matt 2nd two weeks ago, and since then he only has two wins in his last seven games. Quickly boys, keep telling Matt he's a good horsey and congratulate him on jumping over our tables!
(BOOM) Oh no, it's an earthquake! (BOOM) Did somebody's Android phone explode? (BOOM) No, of course not. It's Corey, who has turned into a cannon and is very helpfully trying to take down Matt B, his arch nemesis. His aim isn't very good though, WATCH OUT BOYS!!! (BOOM)
How the hell are we going to explain to Eric's wife and child that he's now a sailboat. I suppose telling them that Shea Weber is crushing everything in his path, a la Sylvain and Matt, with 16 points and 23 penalty minutes, won't calm them down? Sigh, alright we might as well make the most of the S.S. Eric. Can you toss me over some rigging? I want to die down the mac and cheese before Corey blows up the table.
Michael...seems to be mostly the same as well. He always did have a regal air about him. He started off poorly, but his top heavy forwards have really been sheltering the load lately. That's it! Top heavy! Michael has a shiny new crown on his head! Probably the result of getting six wins in his last game. If only Michael could get the guards in here and clear out the canon, the bear and the horses and we might get back to having a good time!
Hey Don! You...you want me to toss this ball over there? Well, I don't see why, but OK! (throws ball). Finally, we've heard the last of Don. I mean there's no way he'll come right back to the table and...here he is. Wait, Don's turn into a Siberian (Whitehorsian?) Husky! Good boy, Don, good boy! You've won four of your last five games and are eager to please your fans with a recent fantastic home effort against Ace Rimmer, er, I mean, Dustin!
Despite the insanity in here, at least I can enjoy this tasty brownie. Yessir, not even going to eat it right away, just going to discuss how much I'm looking forward to it. There's no chance that by doing this, I'm just setting myself up for Michel to swoop in, take my brownie, scratch up my head, beat the Slammers and OWWWWW!!!
It seems Doug has joined Michael over at the head table...since when did we have a head table? I've never known what a "Wheat King" would look like, but I certainly didn't expect a beard made out of wheat, and a crown that looks more like a bail of hay...regardless, Doug's moving on up in the world!
ANNOUNCING BOB, THE BARON OF BRNO. (Trumpets blare). Did anybody else see where those trumpeters came in from? Oh don't tell me the head table is getting another guest. Bob, get back here! You belong with the rest of the rabble, get back here! No, I don't care if you now have a permanent monocle and top hat, you can't just vault up the ranks without paying your dues!
NO! GARY, same for you! Get back here! Why the hell would you even WANT to be at a table with royalty? Your entire team is about breaking off from the elites anyway! You started 10 spots lower, and now you're rising. Sure, it's easy to get excited, but you belong with us in the middle table. It's safer - way more dogs and trains and way fewer horses and bears. Even though you're 6-3 in your last 9, you still bear a few injuries. Ah, here comes the train!
TRAIN???!?!? (Everybody who is still in human form jumps out of the way). Ah, the Fredericton Express! How unusual, since there are no train tracks in our now-collapsing luxurious cabin, and we're not in Fredericton. Are you lost Mr. Train? (CHOO-CHOO). What's that Mr. Train? You're pretty pleased with your recent two win-streak? I should say so! You have a pretty powerdery puff schedule before your matchup with the Slammers. All aboooooard!
HA! Now it's my time to shine, boys. I've transformed into a classic Roman-style gladiator. I have a stout shield and good armor. Nothing should be able to penetrate my defense! ...Hmm, it appears my sword has completely fallen apart. And man, my shield is made of aluminium! Boy these pauldrons are uncomfortable. What brand made this crap anyway? TURRIS-BRAND??? I'm screwed!
Ow! Tom, NO! My leg is not a scratching post. Look, I can...oh, Tom is a giant cat. Of course. I'm sure he'll get along with Don just fine. Of course, I'm being sarcastic. Tom may have batted Don's eager nose earlier on in the evening, but he's lost three straight. Maybe some eggnog will cheer him up.
Oh DAMNIT BRYCE TURNED INTO A SNAKE, EVERYBODY UP ON THE TABLE! Wow, even Guy and Norm have scrambled up here. No wonder, everybody hates snakes! I miss when Bryce was stuck in the basement, but he really seems to have slithered his way up, with points in his last eight before losing two close contests to the Norsemen and Mustangs - VERY good teams. Yikes. Have the Malta Mongooses been inducted into the league by any chance? (CHOO-CHOO) Thanks Mark, apparently not.
(RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE) NOW what? (A huge pile of snow and ice careens through the kitchen, destroying the leftover potatoes). Oh great, that must be Sam. He said he went outside because he was afraid of being murdered by Bears and Cougars and NOW he's a big giant mass of ice and snow. Oh sure, it may have started out as a small snowball, but it gained mass and went on a four game win streak and that was BEFORE smothering the Fire Ants and Aces. I thought we didn't have to worry about the Rapids for a few more years?
(HERE COMES THE MONEYYYYY HERE COMES THE MONEYYYYY MONEYMONEYMONEYMONEY) Shane MacMahon? Nope, sorry, my mistake. It's...wow, is that Kasim? He's shed his professor-like cardigan and haircut for an incredibly expensive suit. How much did that watch cost? Is that a solid gold phone? Well, I suppose ever since his SIX game win streak, he can do anything he wants. Hey Kasim, can you lend me some money for new Gladiator gear?
Hey, Sean? Hey c'mere. Hey, I see you too have been adorned with ancient warrior gear. And I ALSO see that yours is falling apart, particularly after an incredible start. What say you help me convince Kasim to invest in some ancient warrior gear. Sean? Where ya goin'?
Hey, a four leaf clover! Right here on the table! I can't believe I found it! HEY, IT'S MINE! No, you can't have it! Did you SEE what it did for Ryan? He's tied for the last playoff spot, is on a two game win streak AND one of those teams were the Bears! Very impressive. Now, has anybody seen Ryan?
I see Kirk tried to resist his true nature; a bull in a shop that sells Chinese goods, but it didn't last. He's won three of his last four, including a win over the Mustangs, and he's ready for more. I feel bad for anybody that has any shade of red on their jerseys. (Henry looks at own jersey). Uh oh.
Well that's strange, I would've thought Sheetal turning to a Tiger would have made him the more fearsome thing in the room. Where is he? Ah...he appears to have been transformed into a member of the Detroit Tigers instead. That will not help him win any games. Man, the SIM is cruel.
Derrick! What a cool shield! My mistake, I guess it's a hot shield. Are you trying to fan the flames or throw it at people? Even Derrick can't tell, as he's having a hard time finding consistency with this year's team. You're not alone, Derrick!
Hmm, it seems the only person in here who hasn't transformed is Mike! There he is, sitting all alone at the last table. That's so sad, you don't normally see Mike all the way down there. I'll just...step over the Tigers, the Bulls, the cats, the dogs, the clovers, the trains, the...well, everything to go chat with him. Hey Mike! I know you're a bit gloomy so I got you a present. Merry Christmas! (Mike opens the present!) Aw, thanks bud! I thought you'd like these Chaos Emeralds!